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NO Problem!

I tried to puree a rock...it didn't work.

Look at this, they've got me wired for cable!
Let's see, which was the button for a cheeseburger?

Hmmm, immediate gratification versus long term security...
I'M THINKING, I'M THINKING!

I've decided to reveal myself to the world.
This way I can meet new people, travel, see a Grateful Dead concert.

I like the sauce that Kate opens!

Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.

Great, a new baby! We'll raise him as our own.

I wanna be alone. Come on Brian, keep me company!

Have 'em throw the book at this guy, preferably something by James Mitchman.

Shoot bullets through me, I felt like a snack!

I still think I should have brought her something, you know?
Some candy, some flowers...a rambo doll.

Naaaaa, that's stupid...I'll do anyway.

Oh no! Rain drops are falling on my pig!

(I was) looking for tomato paste, I broke a tomato.

Did you know that if you eat fast you can eat more?

Trust me on this one, I've been wrong so many times before.

Quick, quick, hang up, hang up, dial 9-1-1, nine uno uno!

Willie:
Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.

ALF:
Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

Willie:
This is a jigsaw puzzle.

ALF:
It's broken.

Willie:
That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together.

ALF:
Why? I didn't break it.

There's hair in this tuna fish...I like it!"

What, are you talking to me?

Fine, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich... where's the blender?

Help, help, I'm stuck in the outhouse!

Hey, don't worry about the old ALFer...Channel 9 is running Psycho!

ALF:
Justice will not rest.

Kate:
What if I gave justice a cookie?

ALF:
Justice will think about it.

Lynn:
I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.

ALF:
The day they met me?

Lynn:
Think again.

ALF:
The day after they met me.

Willie:
You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.

ALF:
I'll apply for a green card.

Willie:
That's only if you want a job.

ALF:
Pass.
[pause]
I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato. Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine. You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.

Willie:
Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.

ALF:
Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported,
and they'll make him eat beets.

Willie:
How many cups of coffee have you had?

ALF:
Forty. Why?

Brian:
Do you get Sesame Street where you live?

ALF:
No, and frankly I don't get it here either.

Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks."
Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?

Haaa! I kill me.

Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours.
If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

Brian:
You'll have to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF.

ALF:
All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude.
People think you're hiding something.

I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.

ALF:
So what musical are you going to go see today?

Willie:
Cats.

ALF:
Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

[ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky]
You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.

Willie:
Do you know how long... It took me ten years to put that thing together.

ALF:
I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.

Willie:
An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?

ALF:
Alright, let's call it a mistake!

Willie:
Go back to the tent.

ALF:
It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.

Willie:
There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.

ALF:
I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths... Ths...

Willie:
That was my new garden hose.

ALF:
Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.

ALF:
Kate, have I ever lied to you?

Kate:
Yes. Several times.

ALF:
I meant today.

Kate, have I ever broken anything?
[Kate stares at ALF]
Well, lately?... This week?... Today?... Since breakfast?

Key Kate, I'm the King of France.

Now tell me you love me!

Don't make me use this!

He's quick, I'll give 'em that!

Lets have a snack now, we'll get friendly later. You got a cat?

Brilliant! This and the letter 'I' in one day.

Grease fire! Grease fire!

ALF:
I had a cousin. Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes...
[points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound] "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

Willie:
You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?

ALF:
No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

ALF:
But why, why?

Kate:
Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower...

ALF:
It was a rhetorical question.

I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles...an hour later, you're hungry again.

Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?

No problem, just leave me the keys to the liquor cabinet!

Yo Kate, where do you keep the casserole dishes?
The cat won't fit in the toaster.

Oreos!?! My kinda people!

Nevermind the curtains, put me out!

Orphans have to eat gruel, and tap-dance with mops!

Fine, don't believe me! They didn't believe the boy who cried wolf!

You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?

Willie:
Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief.

ALF:
You do?

Willie:
Not really, but we gotta go.

I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie."
Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.

ALF:
Are you decent?

Willie:
Does it matter?

ALF:
Not to me.

ALF:
Willie. If a window was broken in the woods, but there was no-one there to hear it, would it really be broken?

Willie:
If you were in the woods.

[picks a note off the food in the fridge and reads it]
ALF:
"ALF don't eat this". Why would I eat this?
[throws away the note]

Brian:
What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?

ALF:
Burp down wind.

ALF:
All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Lynn:
No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...

ALF:
Huey, Duey and Luey.

Brian:
No, those are ducks.

ALF:
Then how do they pull the sleigh?

Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.

I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want.

Kate:
Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?

ALF:
It was an atomic bomb.

Willie:
It was a pool heather.

ALF:
Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.

Kate:
Yes, they do.

ALF:
They do? Can we go over?

Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"

Willie:
There's more than one way to skin a cat.

ALF:
You've been looking at my recipe book.

Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?

ALF:
How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife.

Brian:
There's no blade.

ALF:
Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.

[ALF blows up the kitchen] I guess we'll have to order in.

Willie:
Stay away from the window, we've got a very nosy neighbor - Mrs. Ochmonek.

ALF:
Ochmonek? Sounds like a typo.

On Melmac, we have 1st class, 2nd class and ham.

We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs.

I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed,
"And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."

Danger, Will Robinson.

Once we add sound, color and stick Eddie Murphy in there somewhere,
it'll be a smash.

I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.

Dorothy:
You don't have to make rude noises.

ALF:
That's okay. I don't mind.

Jake Ochmonek:
What are you, anyway?

ALF:
I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of.

Jake Ochmonek:
Like what?

ALF:
Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.

Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.

Like my old skeelball coach used to say:
"Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it."

It's the day before Christmas, I've hidden all the eggs.

How can I read with all this quiet?

Kate:
Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges.

ALF:
I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.

You think I wake up looking this good?

A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.

I know my rights, I watch People's Court.

I'm not saying nothing until I speak to my attorney.

Brian:
Your name's really Gordon?

ALF:
Yeah, Gordon.

Brian:
That's funny.

ALF:
It was my mother's maiden name, all right?

Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat door is mine.

ALF:
Mind if I showed you a trick?

Kate:
The last time you showed me a trick, it took three weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.

ALF:
I told you not to lean in.

Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name.
If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours.

ALF:
I'm a cursed Melmacian, I belong to the room of the goshdarned.

Kate:
Goshdarned?

ALF:
Ours was a polite society.

 I wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability.

Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay.

I can see you're still one sandwich short of a picnic.

ALF:
Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.

Willie:
Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?

ALF:
Trust me on this one.

Hey, you. Get offa my cloud.

Hey, Willie. Let's throw a cat on the barbie.

The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.

A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe."

Carl Jung was a big weenyhead.

ALF:
I just need to finish spit-shining these plates here.

Lynn:
[grabbing the plates] That won't be necessary.

ALF:
Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes.

We voted. You were the people's choice.

It's not a thing. It's an ALF Romeo.

Tell me, which side of the earth does this nose come from? Ha!

Uh, can I make a suggestion? Hello, read my lips.

Rules rules rules.

What is this, healing through hollering?

Aaron King:
Are you convinced I'm not Elvis?

ALF:
You just need a little more practice, you've been dead for a while.

Aaron King:
Look, I wish I was Elvis buddy, but I'm just a truck driver from Tupelo, and that's as close as I'll ever get to being The King.

ALF:
But in my heart, I will always know you as Elvis.

Lynn:
Oh, Alf. What are we gonna do with you?

ALF:
I guess you'll have to love me as long as it lasts.

How about a hug for the ol' ALFer.

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