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HOMER SIMPSON QUOTES

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

hat do we need a psychiatrist for?
We know our kid is nuts.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

In this house, we OBEY the laws of thermodynamics!

Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of people know that.

Always give in to peer pressure.

Owww look at me Marge, I'm making people Happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!...... By the way I was being sarcastic...

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree!

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go to back to that... building...thingy.. where our beds and TV... is.

Alright Brain...It's all up to you.

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie... Spaceballs. But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.

Ah, ha ha! Look at that jerk! He dropped his notes! AH, HA HA!

Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man, from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaaaaaaaane! [leaves the room, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [leaves again]

Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel.

[drinking Duff beer] Ah... you can really taste the goat.

Always remember that you're representing your country... I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Are you hugging the TV?

As long as he has eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.
[While holding a newborn Bart]

Aw, Dad... you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless, aren't they? Aren't they? [he tickles Abe, who laughs]

Oh! Look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed.

Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me, and... maybe the boy!

[Homer bursts through the bedroom door and screams at a nervous Bart]
Bart! You wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!

God bless those pagans.

Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love?

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

But Marge, what if we picked the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

But I can't be a missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.

Enough. I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!

Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974; It's a scientific fact.

Extended warranty? How could I lose?

[snoring and talking in his sleep during Frank Grimes' funeral service]
Change the channel, Marge.

Come here, Apu. If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another... until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Earth to Marge, earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

First you don't want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

[telling Bart about how he avoided jury duty]
The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Come on Lisa! Monkeys!

Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and for the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is and I won't ask for anything more. If that is ok, please give me absolutely no sign. (pause) Deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. [pause] Thy will be done. [pigs out on the cookies]

[about Lisa] Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called... The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [long pause] Well... g'night!

Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers.

Don't you know the saying? 'Water water everywhere, so let's all have a drink.'

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fuh-LAMING!

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff... and I want in.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things. Bart experienced that at the age of four.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction... but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here.

I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!

I won't apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way that I am.

God can't be everywhere, right?

Good things don't end in 'eum', they end in 'mania'... or 'teria'.

Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am... filled with murderous rage!

[drunk] Guess how many boobs I saw today? Fifteen!

Have you ever heard of jetlag? [enunciating] JET... LAG?!

[on the phone] Hello, Thailand? How's everything on your end?
[listens] Uh huh. That's some language you got there.
[chuckling[ And you talk like that 24/7, huh?

Help me, Jebus!

Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I HATE when people do that!

Hmm... fabulous house, well behaved kids, sisters in law dead, luxury sedan... Wohooo! I hit the jackpot!

[Homer wonders if he should vote for Sideshow Bob] Hmmm... I don't approve of his Bart-killing policy... but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs to unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping be... g'night.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

Then I figured out we could just stick them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

We're goin' bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

If God didn't want us to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt? (chuckles)

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

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If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

[in New York] I'll get out of this city alive if it kills me!

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love... and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I've always wondered if there was a God, and now I know there is. It's me.

It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.

I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Marge, are we Jewish?

Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.

Marge, I agree with you - in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory.

Marge, it's 3am. Shouldn't you be baking?

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge, someone broke the toilet.

Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.

Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow!

My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.

Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!

Not those peanuts... the ones at the bottom.

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.

"To start, press any key." Where's the "any" key?! I see Kuh-tor-ull, Esc, and Pig-Up, but I don't see the "Any" key! Woah, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty, I think I'll order a tab. (Presses tab key) Ooh, too late for that now, the computer's starting!

Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel...

Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.

Well, it's 1 am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?!

What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

There's so much I don't know about astrophysics! I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The Internet? Is that thing still around?

Do I know what rhetorical means?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Wow, this plankton is only 33 cents!

You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Trying is the first step towards failure.

You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.

Pffft. Who needs English? I'm never going to England.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!

Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.

You're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Operator, get me Thailand. T, I... and so on.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and, um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd.

Stupid gravity!

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.

Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.

I'm in no condition to drive... wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

Now for the easiest job for any coach... the cuts.

Of all the women in the world, I had to marry Jane Fonda!

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible: 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! According to this, everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. "Don't tattle." "Always make fun of those different from you." "Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

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