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Entertainment Earth

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Thinking Pink? So is BowlingShirt.com

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Official Shop of Warner Bros

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Find Star Trek comics, toys, statues, and collectibles at TFAW.com!

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SuperHeroStuff: New Star Trek Stuff

Batman: Modern Age Life Size Bust

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MAXWELL SMART QUOTES

Of course. The old drug his prunes, fake the fight, ransack the apartment and switch place with the Admiral trick.

Chief:
[Max and the Chief show each other their special agent badges]
Who wrote Little Women?

Maxwell Smart:
Lonely little men. Who do you love?

Chief:
I wanna to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you.

Maxwell Smart:
I wanna be loved by you, you-ooh-ooh.

Chief, Maxwell Smart:
Boop-boop-bee-doo.

Maxwell Smart:
Good morning, Chief.

Chief:
Morning, Max. I'll certainly be glad when the security alert is over. I spend half my time learning new passwords and countersigns.

Chief:
Max, the Chameleon is the most insidious agent KAOS has. Remember, he can make himself look and sound like anybody in the world.

Maxwell Smart:
Yeah, he's really teriffic. He can even do Frank Gorshin.

Maxwell Smart:
Hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women?

Larabee:
Eh, the book or the picture?

Maxwell Smart:
It was a book?

Maxwell Smart:
[Max is not convinced Agent 99 is really Agent 99] Well, we're getting married on Saturday morning, and I warn you: if I find out on our wedding night that you're really the Chameleon, you're paying for half the room.

Wait a minute, Agent 99, how do we know it's not the Chameleon? We don't know the Chameleon's first name and we don't know Mr. Bob's last name. He could very well be Mr. Bob Chameleon.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has asked Mr. Bob for some identification]
Are you kidding me? This picture doesn't look anything like you.

Mr. Bob:
That's my thumbprint.

Maxwell Smart:
Hold it, hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women?

The Chameleon:
The play or the TV special?

Maxwell Smart:
It was a play?

Maxwell Smart:
 [looking in the mirror] Alright, handsome, who wrote Little Women?

Maxwell Smart:
You can't destroy Hymie, Hymie's my friend.

Chief:
Max, this friend just broke through my office door, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands, how do you explain that?

Maxwell Smart:
I said he was my friend, not yours.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has been ordered to disassemble Hymie] Why I can't do that to Hymie, Chief, Hymie is my friend. Why, he saved my life once. He's like a brother to me.

Chief:
Max, Hymie is a cybernaut.

Maxwell Smart:
What's his religion got to do with it?

Maxwell Smart:
Look Phoebe, I didn't want to tell you this but it's for your own good.
Hymie is a cybernaut.

Phoebe:
Uncle Max, I'm ashamed of you. A person's religion doesn't make any difference.

Hymie:
The last thing I remember I was in the lab oiling my teeth.

Maxwell Smart:
Oiling your teeth?

Hymie:
I oil my teeth twice a day and see a mechanic every six months.
I have a tendency to rust.

The old gun in the rabbit trick and I fell for it.

Maxwell Smart:
You think that I would resort to deliberate lies, deceit and disobedience?

Chief, Kirsch, Phelps:
Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
Well how about this...

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Kirch, you're talking with a foreign accent.

Kirsch:
I am not. I am speaking perfectly. As spy in Control I had foreign accent.

Agent 99:
But Max, I don't understand. I thought Kirch had complete control over Hymie.

Maxwell Smart:
He did, 99. But Hymie's programming for neatness was stronger than his programming for evil.

Chief:
My niece in love with a robot?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, it's not so bad, Chief. It could've been a washing machine.

Maxwell Smart:
[reads message from the secret compartment in the Chiefs desk] In case anything happens to me, contact my superior: Zebra 642. We're gonna have to look this up in the Chief's special codebooks

Agent 99:
[pushes button to reveal the codebooks behind fake books on bookshelf]
Zebra, that's the blue book.

Maxwell Smart:
[as Carlton reaches for the blue book]
The blue book is the one with the green cover.

Carlson:
Since when does a blue book have a green cover?

Agent 99:
Max worked it out with the coding section. In case of a KAOS infiltrator every book has a cover identity.

Maxwell Smart:
You see we have a cover for a cover.

Carlson:
[reading from the book] It says: see green book.

Maxwell Smart:
The green book is the one with the blue cover.

Agent 99:
Max couldn't throw away a perfectly good book cover.

The old lighter in the gun in the rabbit trick!

Siegfried:
[on phone] Schmart!

Maxwell Smart:
[on the other line] What happened?

Siegfried:
Your Chief was just silenced by a pistol butt.

Maxwell Smart:
Well that's a little drastic, isn't it, Siegfried? Couldn't you have just shushed him?

Siegfried:
We don't shush here!

Maxwell Smart:
Here, I have my suicide pill. It's raspberry this month. Wanna try it?

Siegfried:
[handling the pill] No thanks.

Maxwell Smart:
Go ahead, it's not habit forming.

Siegfried:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Where's your suicide capsule?

Siegfried:
[holds up left hand] This is my suicide ring. I will have to keep it on.

Maxwell Smart:
A suicide wedding ring? How does that work?

Siegfried:
Through my wife. She told me if I ever take it off, she'll kill me.

Maxwell Smart: [to Siegfried]
If you're so smart, how come you lost two world wars?

Eh, listen, I... I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about 'fathead'

Maxwell Smart:
You better give up, Danker, this building is surrounded by forty Control agents!

 [Danker shoots a bullet from his briefcase gun]

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe thirty?

 [another shot from Danker's case ricochets off the crate Max is hiding behind]

Maxwell Smart:
One angry boyscout?

 [Danker shoots again but misses completely]

Maxwell Smart:
Girlscout?

Danker:
[Danker is waving a flamethrower at Max] Now you'll get it the hard way.

Maxwell Smart:
Have you ever used one of those things before, Danker?

Danker:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, why don't I come back a little later after you've had time to practice?

The Claw:
Very amusing, Mr. Smart. I suppose you can guess what they call me?
 [holds up right arm, with a large horseshoe magnet for a hand]

Maxwell Smart:
Lefty?

The Claw:
No, Mr. Smart. I am employed by KAOS. The international organization of evil.
My name is The Claw!

Maxwell Smart: The Craw?

The Claw:
No, not The Craw, The Claw!

Maxwell Smart:
Ah yes, The Craw.

Maxwell Smart:
[speaking into his shoe phone] Well, if you can't give me today's password, I'll accept the countersign or today's secret code number. My life may depend on it.

Chief:
[on the other line] Get in here, Max, or I'll personally tear you apart!

Maxwell Smart:
That's good enough for me Chief, I'll be right over.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, where would you like to go?

Princess Ingrid:
Your place...

Maxwell Smart:
My place. Well, there's no real historical, er, significance to my place.

Princess Ingrid:
Hmmm. there could be...

The old picture in the keyhole trick. That's twice this month!

The Claw:
Actually, the only girl we want is Princess Ingrid.

Maxwell Smart:
Then why did you abduct the others?

The Claw:
Unfortunately, Mr. Smart, all Americans look alike to us.
We may be diabolical, but we are not perfect.

The Claw:
Have you ever heard of the Chinese bamboo stalks under the finger nails torture?

Maxwell Smart:
No, sounds pretty good, how does it work?

Chief:
Come in, 86. I've got a new assignment for you.

Maxwell Smart:
Right, Chief.

Chief:
It's a kidnapping case.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, good. Who do you want me to kidnap?

Chief:
I've written the location of your contacts on this piece of paper.
Be sure to destroy it.

Maxwell Smart:
Right, Chief.
 [Max takes the piece of paper and immediately burns it]

Chief:
No, no, no, Max! First memorize it, then destroy it!

Maxwell Smart:
What am I going to get in your dressing room that I can't get here?

Agent 99:
Me.

Maxwell Smart:
13, what did you see?

Agent 13:
[hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk]
Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.

Maxwell Smart:
A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?

Agent 13:
Not from twelve to one.

Maxwell Smart:
Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.

Bubinski:
[Bubinsky the cabbie accuses Max of being the Choker] He's got killer's eyes!

Maxwell Smart:
I have not!

Chief:
That will be all, Mr. Bubinsky.

Bubinski:
Sure you don't wanna cab?

Chief:
No.

Bubinski: [to Max] How 'bout you, killer?

Maxwell Smart:
Well if there's anything I don't need at this time Chief, it's a restfit. I personaly want to avenge the death of my very good and dear friend doctor... whathisname.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has been forced to take a vacation] Ok Chief, Ok. But just remember this: you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how. You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice.

Chief:
And loving it.

Maxwell Smart:
[impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Look, buster, you know what's gonna happen if Sophia sees me talking to you? He's gonna slap my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling. Now get lost.

Maxwell Smart:
Play it again, Sam.

Piano Player:
My name ain't Sam.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't confuse me, I'm new in Casablanca.

Agent 99:
What are you looking for?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I could say the Maltese Falcon, but you'd never believe me.

Chief:
This false neck is an ingenious device, Max. Who made it for you?

Maxwell Smart:
The ingenious device department, Chief.

Janet:
Mr. Smart, you are so handsome, so sophisticate. Je t'adore.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, is it open?

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at a showgirl in a skimpy outfit] That's Dr. Steel?

Chief: Yes.
The chorus line is her cover.

Maxwell Smart:
Not much of a cover, is it?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I really didn't pay that much attention to her, Agent 99. Let's see, she was about 5 foot 6, eh, soft blond hair, 38, 23, 36 measurements, deep blue eyes and delicious lips.

Agent 99:
Max! She tried to poison you.

Maxwell Smart:
Well it's not all gravy, you know.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has been handed Dr. Steel's bill] 48 dollars? For what?

Agent 99:
For your life, Max!

Maxwell Smart:
But she works for Control!

Chief:
She developed this on her own time, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
But this is ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I'm not paying this bill, 48 dollars, that's out of the question. Forget about it. I wouldn't pay it if my life depended on it.

Chief:
It does Max, you have to take another dose of this tomorrow and she had to give it to you if you're to complete your cure.

Maxwell Smart:

Agent 99, do you have 48 dollars you could let me have until pay day?

Maxwell Smart:
When the moon is full, the tide is high.

Mrs. Green:
You must want the spy school. That's next door.

Agent 99:
And best of all, Max, the security of our espionage school hasn't been violated.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, 99, there's nothing more important than security, nothing.
Why without security, none of us would be safe.

Man:
Excuse me, is this Mrs. Green's house?

Maxwell Smart:
No, that's the spy school, Mrs. Green's house is over there.

 This is a jokebook with every East Himalayan joke. All six of them.

Agent 99:
You'll be in extreme danger every minute.

Maxwell Smart:
 ...and... loving it

Hillary Gainsborough:
Are you familiar with Karate?

Maxwell Smart:
Are you kidding? Why, Karate happens to be one of my favorite hobbies. Why, with one perfectly timed chop of my hand I can break eight boards this thick, would you believe it, eight.

Hillary Gainsborough:
I find that very difficult to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe seven?

Hillary Gainsborough:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
|How about a loaf of bread?

 Well, there you have it, gentlemen, another wonderful theory down the drain.

Hillary Gainsborough:
Are you accusing me on this flimsy evidence?

Maxwell Smart:
No, I have some more flimsy evidence!

Maxwell Smart:
An East Himalayan bum walked up to me on the street one day and said: 'Ana hoho uni, aha awahi tiki'. And I said - what's the punchline?
 [points at Dimitri]

Dimitri:
I said: 'Yehi tajo gurka hama'.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max checks the punchline in the East Himalayan joke book and begins to chuckle] That's very funny Dimitri.

The Contessa:
I feel so safe with you protecting me, Mr. Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I don't like to boast, but of all the hundreds of people that I've guarded, I've only lost three. [the Contessa opens her make-up compact and is immediately killed by a burst of poison gas] Would you believe four?

 Killed by an exploding birthday cake. 99, there's something funny going on around here.

Agent 99:
Max, this hotel gives me the creeps. Exploding birthday cakes, volcanoes.
Why would anybody wanna come here?

Maxwell Smart:
Well for one thing 99, you can't beat the rates.

Maxwell Smart:
How come all your suits are exactly the same?

Harry Hoo:
Oh, beg to differ. All have different styles!

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Well I guess all Chinese suits look alike to me.

Maxwell Smart:
Mr. Shurok, does the name KAOS mean anything to you?

Shurok:
KAOS? The international organization of evil? Formed in 1904 in Bucharest? Designed to forment unrest and revolution around the world?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes.

Shurok:
I never heard of it.

Agent 99:
[Max and Agent 99 are preparing a raft] Max, there's a storm brewing. It's gonna be very dangerous to try to row to the mainland.

Maxwell Smart:
I suppose so, but someones gotta get to the mainland and tell 'em that whe're stranded out here with a crazy maniacal KAOS killer.

Agent 99:
I guess you're right. Goodbye, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
Goodbye 99, and good luck. [hands her the ore]

Agent 99:
Max, that knife missed you by inches.

Maxwell Smart:
You think it's some kind of a warning?

Agent 99:
Poor 51, what a way to go. With a knife in his back in a ridiculous gorilla suit.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, that's showbusiness.

 Missed me by that much... twice!

Carlson:
We've developed this special equipment. Inside this camera is a hidden tape recorder. And this tape recorder actually conceals a hidden camera!

Maxwell Smart:
May I ask you a question, Professor Carlson?

Carlson:
Certainly.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, why hide a tape recorder in a camera and a camera in a tape recorder? Why not just take pictures with the camera and record with the recorder?

Carlson:
Because my mind doesn't work that way, that's why.

Agent 99:
Max, look. [gasps] He's been shot in the back at close range.

Maxwell Smart:
Hm. Committed suicide.

Agent 99:
That's impossible Max.

Maxwell Smart:
Hm. You're right, there's no gun.

Agent 99:
Ehm, do you happen to know anything about diamonds, Hondo?

Hondo:
Hondo can crush diamonds with teeth.

Maxwell Smart:
What kind of a trick is that?

Hondo:
Expensive.

 Well just in case I don't, Agent 99, I'd like you to do me a favor. I don't want a big funeral. I... I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and... try to bring me back to life.

Chief:
Now, you're just going to have to go in there and face those viscious, hungry,
man-eating lions. But Max...

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Chief?

Chief:
Don't take any unnecessary risks.

Maxwell Smart:
All right, Hondo. I'm used to dealing with big ugly apes with you...
 [Max punches Hondo three times in the stomach, gives a karate chop to the right shoulder and slugs him across the face. Hondo doesn't budge. Max then puts his arm around Hondo] Eh... listen Hondo, I eh, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the ape...

Agent 99:
[looking at slide # 5, a bond in a bikini] Who is that?

Maxwell Smart:
George Robinson, Kaos agent, Hawaiian branch.

Agent 99:
Fabulous disguise.

Maxwell Smart:
I saw through it in only one minute. Would you believe it? One minute.

Agent 99:
I find that very difficult to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe... two minutes?

Agent 99:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about our fourth date?

Maxwell Smart:
I had to destroy the first message. Do you have a copy?

Agent 44:
Well you know 86, secret message paper doesn't grow on trees...

Chief:
Now this briefcase must be gotten to B12 somewhere in the Balkans.

Maxwell Smart:
Why it's beautiful, Chief, and it's real leather too. Do you think he'll like it.

Agent 99:
Max, it contains a half million dollars.

Maxwell Smart:
He'll love it.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, I remember now, a wrong key in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5000 volts.

Dr. Minelli:
And of course, the noise will bring help running.

Maxwell Smart:
What noise?

Dr. Minelli:
Your screams.

KAOS Agent:
I'm a sportsman. I'll let you pick the way you wanna die.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Ok, eh, how about old age?

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Agent 99, atrocities, cruelties and brutalities. the thing that we feared for so long has finally come to pass.

Chief:
What's that, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
ACB, the third spy network.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, what can I do for you, Miss, eh...

Tamara:
Tamara.

Maxwell Smart:
Tomorrow? I thought you wanted to talk to me today?

Tamara:
I do. My name is Tamara. I'm a dancer.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well I'm sorry, we're not hiring any dancers today, Tamara.

Tamara:
Tahday is supposed to go to the club Tonight. To defect, or die.

Maxwell Smart:
And you want me to help you?

Tamara:
Yes, you must come to the club Tonight and save Tahday.

Maxwell Smart:
Alright, I'll come to the club tonight. What time tonight?

Tamara:
Not tonight, today! The name of the club is the club Tonight.

 The old Chief in the brown beard and wig trick!

Samuels:
When the chick spots Kubacheck, she'll go into the dance of the seven veils.

Maxwell Smart:
The seven veils, huh?

Samuels:
If Kubacheck sits at table one, she'll take off one veil. If he's at table two she'll take off two veils and so on, through the tables, three, four...

Samuels and Maxwell Smart:
...five and six.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, what if he goes to table seven?

Samuels:
The cops come in and close the place down.

Waiter:
Never fear, for Allah is with me.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I wonder if you would ask Allah to bring the drinks over, we'd like to get something going here.

Agent 99:
[Tamara has been shot] Is she?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes 99, there's no Tamara.

Agent 99:
Oh, Max, how terrible.

Maxwell Smart:
He deserved it, 99. He was a KAOS killer.

Agent 99:
Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.

Agent 99:
Hans Hunter, wasn't he a high ranking Nazi?

Chief:
He was at various times a Nazi, a communist, a member of the Mafia and is right now one of the top executives of KAOS.

Maxwell Smart:
If there's anything I hate, it's a joiner.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, you've got to let me go after Hunter. I wanna get that madman no matter how dangerous it is. I don't care if he is one of the world's greatest killers. I don't care if he is a master of fiendish torture and death. I want 'im, Chief. You've got to let me have that assignment.

Chief:
You've got it, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course, if you'd rather send someone else...

Chief:
The job's yours, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
I mean, I don't wanna force you into anything, Chief...

Maxwell Smart:
Just a minute, Hunter. You don't really think we'd be stupid enough to come here alone, do ya?

Hans Hunter:
What do you mean?

Maxwell Smart:
Just this. In a very short while, General Crawford and a hundred of his crack paratroopers will come crashing into this landing.

 [Hunter begins to snicker]

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe J. Edgar Hoover and ten of his G-men?

 [Hunter laughs louder]

Maxwell Smart:
How about Tarzan and a couple of his apes?

Hans Hunter:
[after another chuckle or two Hunter becomes serious] Get moving.

Maxwell Smart:
Bomba the Jungle boy?

Hans Hunter:
[touching the scar on his forehead] Have you ever heard of the great white rhino?

Maxwell Smart:
That was done by the great white rhino?

Hans Hunter:
No. This was done by a small blue convertible.

Maxwell Smart:
The great white Rhino was driving a small blue convertible?

Maxwell Smart:
Stay where you are, Igor. I'm warning you.
One more step and I'll put a bullet right between those beady little eyes.

 [Igor takes a step forward. Max pulls the trigger but the gun is empty. He hits Igor across the shoulder with the gun but Igor grabs the gun. Max punches Igor across the jaw but Igor does not budge]

Maxwell Smart:
[Max puts his arm around Igor]
Eh, listen Igor, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the beady eyes.

Hans Hunter:
I have other plans for you, my dear. I hope that you will stay on here as my permanent... guest.

Agent 99:
I'd rather take my chances in the jungle with Max.

Hans Hunter:
Very loyal my dear, and very stupid.

Maxwell Smart:
We're Control agents, Hunter. We're trained to be very loyal and very stupid.

A.J. Pfister:
Won't you please sign my petition? [against moise]

Maxwell Smart:
I'm sorry, Mr. Pfister, but I can't sign that petition. Quiet is un-American.

A.J. Pfister:
Oh please Mr. Smart, sign my petition.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... your petition, yes, well, it wouldn't do me any good to sign your petition, Mr. Pfister, you see I'm a spy, and my fountain pen is filled with invisible ink.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, if you couldn't find Control, how did you know where to find me?

A.J. Pfister:
Oh, I telephoned KAOS and they gave me this address.

 The ultimate weapon: kamikaze pigeons.

Maxwell Smart:
I think I'd better have a talk with Mr. Siegfried.

Agent 99:
Good thinking, Max, but how are you going to find him?

Maxwell Smart:
Very simple, 99, I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9 am on Tuesday.

Chief:
Max, who cares about Ludwig, what about Siegfried?

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, you don't understand. 'Ludwig' is the KAOS codename for Siegfried and '9 am on Tuesday' is actually 11 am on Thursday.

Chief:
[glances at watch] Well it's almost that time now.
Max, you'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, the 'Smithsonian' is the KAOS codename for park.

Chief:
[shouting] Max, get going right away!

Maxwell Smart:
[a drunken sailor sits down opposite Max and starts slobbering from his glass] Careful. Some of it's getting in your mouth.

  Listen 99, just remember this: a coward is a frightened man who's scared to be brave. But a brave man is only a coward who isn't scared to be frightened.

Agent 99:
[sticking her head out a porthole] Max! Where are you?

Maxwell Smart:
I'm down here, 99!

Agent 99: Where Max?

Maxwell Smart:
In the water!

Agent 99:
What do you want me to do, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Have you got the Control files handy?

Agent 99:
They're in my cabin.

Maxwell Smart:
Get them!

Agent 99:
[goes inside for a moment] I've got them.

Maxwell Smart:
Look up my record.

Agent 99:
Right here, Max what do you want to know?

Maxwell Smart:
[struggling to stay afloat] Did I pass the Control swimming test?

Agent 99:
[looks it up] Noooooooo!

Maxwell Smart:
[# 44 is hanging outside the porthole to Max' cabbin on the Evening Star] Nice to see that you're here backing me up. How far out are we?

Agent 44:
Oh, about twenty miles.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, how can you tell?

Agent 44:
Well this is my fifth trip, you get so you can recognize the signs.
 [a wave crashes over him]
The temperature of the water, the kind of seagulls, the number of fish around.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, are there fish around?

Agent 44:
Sure, take a look.
 [scoops over so Max can look out the porthole to see a couple of menacing fins sticking out of the water]

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, I see them. Quite a bit of them, too. What are they?

Agent 44: Sharks.
 [Max does a double take]
There's nothing to worry about. There just waiting around for something to eat.

Maxwell Smart:
Like what?

Agent 44:
Like me.

99:
[talking to her mother] Oh, eh, Max and I have pet names for each other, heh,
sometimes he calls me '99' and sometimes I call him '86'.

99's Mother:
Isn't that cute. You can call me '38' if it isn't taken.

 Of course! The old airplaine in the haystack trick.

Maxwell Smart and 99:
It's Siegfried!

Siegfried:
You bet your sweet shoephone it's Siegfried. We meet again...

Maxwell Smart:
So, Siegfried, you're the one that's responsible for trying to destroy the potato crop.

Siegfried:
Exactly, but that knowledge will do you no good. You see, I'm going to shoot you both, push you in front of the spinning propellers und drop you from 18.000 feet! This is the last time we meet, Shmart!

Maxwell Smart:
You mean you're not coming to the wedding?

Maxwell Smart:
You know, Chief, I've always wondered about that. How many potatoes are there in a crop?

Chief:
Oh, it all depends. Four or five thousand bushels.

Maxwell Smart:
Boy, that's a lot of crop.

Maxwell Smart:
Listen, I once knew a guy who had a knife in his heart, and lived, for 15 years! Would you believe it? 15 years!

Cowboy:
That's hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 15 minutes?

Cowboy:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about a pin in his nose?

Cowboy:
You're just trying to cheer me up.

Maxwell Smart:
[the Cowboy is about to jump out of a window] Don't be a fool.
It's five stories straight down to a hard pavement.

Cowboy:
I'm in a hurry.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Well, that is the quickest way down.
[the Cowboy has jumped from a window, certain there is a KAOS truck full of matrasses waiting for him below] Missed it by that much.

Chief:
Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it.

Chief:
Max, let me give you a quick briefing. First of all, do you know what this is?
 [hands over a picture of Dante's Inthermo ray]

Maxwell Smart:
I believe it's a photograph.

Mr. Big:
[to Agent 99] I see that what your organization lacks in strategy, it more than makes up in loveliness.

Maxwell Smart:
Thank you.

 Well, that's the end of Mr. Big. If only he could have turned his evil genius into... niceness.

Maxwell Smart:
You see the moment I suspected there was something wrong with this old scow, I immediately telephoned headquarters and I happen to know that at this very minute seven coastguard cutters are converging on this boat. Would you believe it? Seven.

Mr. Big:
I find that pretty hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe six?

Mr. Big:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about two cops in a rowboat?

Agent 99:
[on the verge of crying] I'm sorry Max, It's just that we've had so little time together.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, it couldn't be helped, 99.
After all, there are no holidays in the fight against evil.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't worry, about me, there's no torture invented that could make me crack. I'm impervious to pain.

Chief:
Good luck, Max
 [they shake hands]

Maxwell Smart:
Aah!

Chief:
What's the matter?

Maxwell Smart:
You squeezed my pinky!

Maxwell Smart:
What are you so grouchy about today?

Agent 13:
[hiding in a trash can] Because I didn't sleep a wink last night, that's why. Every time I dozed off somebody dropped garbage on me.

Maxwell Smart:
There are worse assignments than this. I once knew an agent who was locked in a washing machine for three days.

Agent 13:
That was me, 86!

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, I forgot

Agent 13:
I came out so wrinkled I had to iron my skin.

 99, everything that I believe in, everything that I hold sacred, is based upon my believe in the honesty and nobility of my fellow agents. And that belief is unshakable, unarguable, and incontrovertible.
[pause] Of course, I could be wrong.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course. The old gas bomb in the horoscope trick.

Hugo:
Come on, let's get going.

Maxwell Smart:
What makes you think I'm going with you?

Hugo:
The old gun in the hand trick. [reveals gun in his hand]

Maxwell Smart:
Good trick!

Agent 99:
It's just that sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.

 Boy, time really does fly. Do you realize, 99, that agent 54 will be 36 today? My gosh, it seems like only yesterday that 54 was 35.

Maxwell Smart:
I'll catch the thief who stole those paintings, or die in the attempt.

Van Cleff:
Can you do... both?

Bronzefinger:
No, Mr Smart, it was none of them You see, I am...
 [takes of his glove to reveal a bronze thumb]

Maxwell Smart:
Bronzethumb!

Bronzefinger:
Bronzefinger! A thumb is also a finger.

Bronzefinger:
[86 and 99 are about to be bronzed] Goodbye, Mr. Smart. I'll be back in 3 minutes after it's all over. You see I cannot bare to hear a woman crying.

Maxwell Smart:
How do you feel about a man screaming?

Agent 99:
I wonder what Bronzefinger would have done with us, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, he probably would have sold us to some public park. Just think of it, 99, there we would have been, two bronze statues giving pleasure to thousands.

Agent 99:
Thousands of art lovers?

Maxwell Smart:
No, thousands of pigeons.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max opens the Chief's wall safe] What's 13 doing in there?

Agent 13:
The Chief said I've been out on field trips too long.
So he gave me this nice, soft office job.

Maxwell Smart:
It's awfully small. Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?

Agent 13:
The Chief gave me the combination.

Chief:
Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive.

Maxwell Smart:
If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.

Chief:
You'll have to parachute from six thousand feet.

Maxwell Smart:
I think I just learned it.

Chief:
All we know is that they threatened to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders.

Maxwell Smart:
Well at least Washington is safe.

Chief:
Max, have you ever jumped from a plane?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Chief, once, during the war.

Chief:
When?

Maxwell Smart:
Just before it took off for overseas.

Maxwell Smart:
[caught in a sand storm] Listen 99, I know this is a long shot, but I gotta ask ya anyway...

Agent 99:
[shouting to be heard over the storm] What is it, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
You don't happen to have a can of cold beer on ya, do ya?

Agent 99:
[Max and Agent 99 wake up in a tent] Max, where are we?

Maxwell Smart:
[looking up to see two veiled women] Heaven?

Agent 99:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
Then it must been an Arabian Playboy club.

Agent 99:
[having just witnessed a nuclear explosion] Oh Max, what a terrible weapon of destruction.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. You know, China, Russia and France should outlaw all nuclear weapons. We should insist upon it.

Agent 99:
What if they won't, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Then we may have to blast them. It's the only way to keep peace in the world.

 And so it must always end... for those who use the human brain for evil... instead of friendliness.

Telephone Operator:
I'm sorry, your time is up. Insert ten cents more, please.

Maxwell Smart:
But operator, I don't have any more change, and this is a matter of life and death.

Telephone Operator:
That's what they all say, sir.

Chief:
Max, does the name Montague Leach mean anything to you?

Maxwell Smart:
It certainly does, Chief. He's the drummer with The Electric Hare.

Chief:
No, Max, he's not a drummer with The Electric Hare.

Maxwell Smart:
He left the group?

 Of course, the Professor Peter Peckinpah all purpose anti-personnel Peckinpah pocket pistol under the toupee trick.

Maxwell Smart:
[on the phone at home] Listen, 99, are you free tonight?

Agent 99:
[on phone in Larabee's office] Oh, well I'm sitting in for Larabee but he should be back soon. What did you have in mind?

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I don't know, I thought a few drinks, a little dancing, maybe a late supper.

Agent 99:
I'd love that! Shall I pick you up as usual?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, well it's not exactly that way, 99, you see eh, there's a buddy of mine in town and eh, well he asked me if I could get him a date and I thought if you weren't doing anything tonight...

Agent 99:
But Max...

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, one more thing, 99, I wonder if you could get a girl for me while you're at it. Nothing special, about 5"2"", blond hair, blue eyes... [99 hangs up angrily] 99?

Maxwell Smart:
Gina Mittusi. For heaven's sake, I haven't seen you in a long time.

Gina:
We've never met, Mr. Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
That long, eh?

Maxwell Smart:
Sid, it's good to see you again.
You haven't changed a bit, how long has it been now?

Sid Krimm:
15 years! You forgot? Seoul, Korea, 1952. Don't you remember?
We said if we both lived through this we'd get together again, huh, pal?
Well, we almost didn't make it.

Maxwell Smart:
Yeah, that was a tough bar, Sid.

 Don't play dumb with me sister, I happen to be an expert at that.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, that's all I can tell ya, Sid. I work for the government and I'm on a secret mission. You believe me, don't ya?

Sid Krimm:
I believe ya. [picks up a book titled 'Spy stories that never grow old']
You read a lot of these spy books. Cloak and Dagger stuff.

Maxwell Smart:
No more than anyone else who works for the government on secret missions.

 The old Maxwell-Smart silhouette on the window shade trick. That's the second time KAOS has fallen for it this month.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't understand you Sid, I'm a secret agent. I have to go. But what's your angle?

Sid Krimm:
What do you mean what's my angle? I wanna defend my country too.
And you happen to be my buddy. And besides, I happen to know that every secret agent gets all the broads.

Sid Krimm:
It's ok, Max, the cops are here.

Maxwell Smart:
You got a lot to learn about the secret agent business, Sid. Thats the oldest trick in the world.

Sid Krimm:
Oh, the old KAOS killers dressed up like cops in order to fool Control agents and old army buddy trick.

Maxwell Smart:
Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max and Sid are both chained to a wall] All right now, Sid, here's my plan.

Sid Krimm:
Stop with your crazy plans. Can't you see I'm trying to faint?

Maxwell Smart:
All right, I'll do it myself.
 [lets go of false hands tied to chains]

Sid Krimm:
Oh, the old false hands in the chain trick.
[Max grabs his belt-buckle and slides out a hacksaw]
Oh, the old hacksaw in the belt-buckle trick.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max rolls his eyes] Will you shut up?

Maxwell Smart:
You know Sid, in a way it's kind of a shame.

Sid Krimm:
What are you talking about?

Maxwell Smart:
If he had only used his baton for goodness instead of evil.
 [Sid rolls his eyes]

Agent 99:
Max, since General Pajarito took over this country it's a very dangerous place.

Maxwell Smart:
But we don't have anything to worry about, 99, we're not citizens, we're just spies.

 I asked you not to tell me that!

General Pajarito:
[Max, 99, Isabella and Don Carlos are facing a firing squad]
My friends, we've come to the end of the road. It grieves me deeply to have to say goodbye to you. Especially to you, Isabella. We could have been so happy together.

Isabella:
You pig! You dog! You rotten filthy swine, you low-life!

Maxwell Smart:
Isabella, cool it. You wanna get us in trouble?

Maxwell Smart:
You'll never get away with this, Savage!

Savage:
Oh, why Mr. Smart?

Maxwell Smart:
Because, at this very minute, 25 CONTROL agents are converging on this building. Would you believe it? 25 CONTROL agents!

Savage:
I find that hard to beleive.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 2 squad cars and a motorcycle cop?

Savage:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about a vicious street cleaner and a toothless police dog?

Savage:
[addressing 99] Good evening.
I'd be honored to offer my assistance to someone so attractive.

Maxwell Smart:
Why thank you, but it's the lady who's interested in buying a painting.

Maxwell Smart:
Hello, Chief? Max. I'm in Lover's Lane. Listen, Chief, before I fill you in, I want you to give a message to Parker at the lab. Tell him there are a few adjustments needed on the steering wheel phone. Every time I turn the corner, I dial the operator.

 Agent 99:
Max, look at that Modern sculpture. It's made out of a dented hubcap, rusted fender, tin cans, nuts and bolts and a bicycle chain.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, he's given us man's eternal struggle against the universe out of a pile of junk.

Agent 99:
What's it called?

Maxwell Smart:
[reading a placard] "A Pile of Junk".

Maxwell Smart:
I am Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86 of Control. I've been assigned to protect you.

Trinka:
You seem familiar.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, I've been guarding you ever since you got through the iron curtain.

Trinka:
Of course. You were on the plane with me.
You were the man seated across the isle reading a magazine.

Maxwell Smart:
No.

Trinka:
The man behind me with the dark glasses and the moustache?

Maxwell Smart:
No.

Trinka:
But I'm sure I saw you on the plane.

Maxwell Smart:
I was the stewardess who fluffed your pillow.

Mrs. Weatherly:
Are you Mr. Smart, the private eye?

Maxwell Smart:
[impersonating Bogey] You said what?

Mrs. Weatherly:
I'd like to talk to you Mr. Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
All right, start talking.

Mrs. Weatherly:
Alone.

Maxwell Smart:
[to 99] Get out. [99 gives him a surprised look] ...Sweetheart.

Agent 99:
[99 throws down a pencil and starts to leave]
I'll be in the outer office. If you need me... just whistle.

Mr. Peter:
Miss Trinka is a worrier.
And she would only worry if she knew that we were worried.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't give it another thought, gentlemen. I wouldn't want Trinka to worry that you were worried that she was worried. So don't worry.

Maxwell Smart:
The old Wilbur in the drape trick.

Wilbur:
Get 'em up!

 [Max and Trinka raise their arms]

Wilbur:
[wearing extremely thick glasses] Are they up?

Chief:
Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. You bungle assignment after assignment.

Maxwell Smart:
I resent that, Chief.

Chief:
Do you deny it?

Maxwell Smart:
No, but I resent it.

Chief:
This is the break we've been waiting for.
The men we're looking for are the Purple Knights.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course, The Purple Knights! The Purple Knights, it's got to be The Purple Knights. It's so clear now. Who else could it be but the Purple Knights?
Eh, one question, Chief...

Chief, Maxwell Smart:
Who are The Purple Knights?

Maxwell Smart:
[Max is about to be drawn and quartered] I wouldn't be too sure about that because at this very moment, this entire area is being surrounded by a hundred highway patrolmen with Doberman pinschers.

Brute:
Like I don't dig, man.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you dig four deputies and a bloodhound?

Brute:
Still don't dig.

Maxwell Smart:
Then how 'bout a Boy Scout with rabies?

Brute:
You don't grab me baby. Well, see you in other parts man. And I do mean parts.

Chief:
The Beluvian prime minister is ready to resume his mission.

Maxwell Smart:
That's wonderful, chief. What is his mission?

Chief:
He's here to borrow 20 million dollars from our government.
After what happened, we're lucky his country still wants to take our money.

Doll Baby:
What would be so terrible if they didn't?

Maxwell Smart:
I'm surprised at you, Doll Baby. If they didn't take our money, they'd have no reason to resent us. And if they didn't resent us, we would never really be sure they were our friends.

Agent 99:
[Max has examined a few strands of hair, odd shaped piece of metal, a button and a piece of paper] What's your conclusion, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
The Chief has been kidnapped.

Professor Windish:
May I ask which one of these items led you to that conclusion?

Maxwell Smart:
This innocent looking piece of paper.

Agent 99:
Why Max, what is it?

Maxwell Smart:
A ransom note.

Agent 99:
[Max and 99 are counting the donations for the Help our Chief Fund]
Wow, here's one for 500 dollars!

Maxwell Smart:
500 dollars! Now, that's great. Now we're getting some place. Who's that from?

Agent 99:
The boys in counterfeiting.

Maxwell Smart:
[the Chief's car won't turn over] You know, I don't claim to be an expert on these things, but I'm willing to make a large wager that I know just where the trouble is.

Chief:
Where, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
In the engine.

Chief:
[sarcastically] Good thinking, you wanna take a look there?

Maxwell Smart:
Where?

Chief:
In the engine!

Maxwell Smart:
[having found out Royal is working for KAOS] Well to tell ya the truth I'm a little surprised myself, 99. I knew he was a liar and a cheat but a spy!

 The old bulletproof cummerbund in the tuxedo trick.

Maxwell Smart:
Imagine a Control agent married to a KAOS agent.
Who would accept a mixed marriage like that?

Chief:
KAOS broke in here and ransacked my office.

Maxwell Smart:
But I don't understand, Chief. KAOS has never been able to penetrate Control headquarters before.

Chief:
That'll give you some idea of what we're up against now. This man who took over KAOS is cunning, diabolical, ingenious.

Maxwell Smart:
But there's one thing he's not. [looks around the ransacked office]

Chief:
What's that?

Maxwell Smart:
Neat.

Chief:
Now Max, you and 99 are to contact agent 44 at this adress: the Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar.

Maxwell Smart:
Is that Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar?

Chief:
No, no, no, Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar is on Balboa Boulevard. You're to go to Bunny Beebe's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar on Barnaby Boulevard.

Ironhand:
Let's not be foolish, Mr. Smart. I want those plans.

Maxwell Smart:
You'll have to kill me first.

Ironhand:
I was going to do that second.

Chief:
We're going to have to send a man in to infiltrate that barbershop. Now if we do it successfully, we'll be able to learn how KAOS finances their evil schemes.

Maxwell Smart:
Maybe they're playing the stock market, Chief.

Chief:
No Max, I don't think so. It's much more likely they get their money by robbery, extorsion and blackmail.

Maxwell Smart:
You're probably right. A lot of people don't trust the market these days.

 I sure hate a crook who can't be trusted.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief... [slaps desk with his hand] I'd like to volunteer.

Agent 99:
It sounds like a suicide assignment, Chief.

Maxwell Smart:
I'd like to volunteer to find a volunteer.

Jimmy Ballantine:
Now this kinda work needs long, sensitive fingers. They kinda run in my family. I got two brothers who are concert piano players.

Maxwell Smart:
That's interesting. And you became a safe cracker.

Jimmy Ballantine:
Yeah. Somebody had to support them.

Dobring:
If you are the real Ballantine, then perhaps you could answer a few simple questions.

Maxwell Smart:
Shoot. [turns to Rex who is pointing a gun at him] That's only a figure of speech.

Maxwell Smart:
This is the first time I've ever met a king face to face.

Chief:
Not face to face, Max, when we enter we bow low and stay that way until we're told to rise.

Maxwell Smart:
[fiddles with the arm of a suit of armor] Well I just hope that I don't have to bend over too long. When the blood rushes to my head I get a terrific headache.

Chief:
There is such a thing as protocol.

Maxwell Smart:
Is that anything like an aspirin?

Colonel von Klaus:
From the moment you leave this train you'll be facing torture and death.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it.

 Half brothers are always called Basil.

Basil:
[Max has dropped his monocle into his goblet] You dropped your monocle, Sire.

Maxwell Smart:
[posing as King Charles] Yes. Well, fortunately I'm wearing my contact monocle.

Maxwell Smart:
[posing as King Charles] Oh yes of course, the royal ball here at the capitol.

Princess Marta:
No, it was at your summer palace.

Maxwell Smart:
You wore a gown of white.

Princess Marta:
No I wore blue that night.

Maxwell Smart:
Ah yes, I remember it well.

Princess Marta:
Then you and I slipped away from the crowd and went outside.

Maxwell Smart:
We strolled the grounds.

Princess Marta:
We walked your hounds.

Maxwell Smart:
We stopped by the fountain for a kiss I think.

Princess Marta:
We stopped by the well to give your dogs a drink.

Maxwell Smart:
Ah yes, I remember the well.

Agent 99:
Max, it's almost noon, aren't you going down to the headquarters?

Maxwell Smart:
Well I thought I'd go down a little late today.

Agent 99:
Oh, how late?

Maxwell Smart:
Like tomorrow morning.

Colonel von Klaus:
If it's a trap, and they cut of your escape find your way to Basil's chambers. Behind the fireplace is a passageway that leads right to the forest.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, how does it open?

Colonel von Klaus:
Well, there's a panel 'neath the mantle with a candle for the handle. But before you light the candle push the panel with your hand. Than the mantle will push out and the panel will push in. [Max starts to leave] But... if you light the candle after you push the panel than the mantle will push in and the panel will push out.

Maxwell Smart:
I did get rid of Basil, didn't I?

Colonel Von Klaus:
Yes, but not Basil's aide, someone far more treacherous, and deadly.

Maxwell Smart:
Basil's wife?

Colonel Von Klaus:
[rolls his eyes] No, Rupert of Rathskellar.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course. Rotten, ruthless Rupert of Rathskellar.

Colonel Von Klaus:
He's a handsome devil. A dazzling swordsman.
And the women of Coronia find him irresistable.

Maxwell Smart:
And how do the men find him?

Colonel Von Klaus:
He's in the phone book.

King of Caronia:
What is that terrible smell?

Agent 99:
Eh, horseradish.

King of Caronia:
Horseradish? Smells more like a tarantula.

Chief:
[about the Cone of Silence] You know this thing doesn't work, why do you always insist on using it?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, for one thing, it's 20 degrees cooler inside.

Maxwell Smart:
[referring to the Electro-Retrogressor Gun] Amazing!

Professor Windish:
Yes... I am.

Maxwell Smart:
As agent in charge of internal security, I can give you my personal assurance that everything is under perfect control. [an alarm goes off as a sign reading 'Emergency' flashes red, a sign reading 'Security' blue and a sign reading 'Danger' yellow] Eh, would you settle for almost perfect?

Maxwell Smart:
[peeking around a corner at a organ grinder and his monkey] Recognize him?

Agent 99:
Yes! That's Agent 17. Wow, what a disguise! Shall we question him now?

Maxwell Smart:
No, not now, the organ grinder is watching him too closely.

Maxwell Smart:
[acting as temporary Chief of Control] Hodgkins, I want the officer responsible for internal security in here on the double.

Hodgkins:
You're the internal security officer.

Maxwell Smart:
Fast work, Hodgkins.

Maxwell Smart:
Alma, you wanna get in that converence room.
Give me one good reason why I should let you in.

Alma Sutton: Here's one. [points the Electro-Retrogressor Gun at him]

Maxwell Smart:
Wanna try for two out of three?

Maxwell Smart:
What do you got there?

Agent 99:
Oh this is Control's latest anti-personnel weapon. It's an electronic mosquito. If we get captured, we release it and it attacks the enemy viciously.

Maxwell Smart:
Killing them?

Agent 99:
No, but it keeps them so busy scratching that we can get away.

 How do you like that, 99? The old tiny tape recorder in the trailer trick.

Dr. Yes:
Your too late, Mr. Smart. In one minute the deflector mechanism takes over.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, but there's still time enough to take care of you, Dr. Yes. You see I happen to be an expert in hand to hand combat. [Dr. Yes slices his extremely long nails at Max] However nail to nail combat I'm not too crazy about.

Maxwell Smart:
[talking on ice-cream phone] There's no time to wait, 99.
I wanna catch them red-handed. Besides, my phone is melting.

 The old communications equipment in the French bread trick.

Maxwell Smart:
[the Chief has been demoted to agent and Max has been named chief]
Just a moment. I don't think we should call you Chief from now on, that woudn't be proper. Eh, what was your old number?

Chief:
Q.

Maxwell Smart:
Q?

Chief:
Yes, I was an agent before they switched to numbers.

Maxwell Smart:
[Agent Q has shattered a mirror with the sound of his voice] That'll be 40 dollars for the mirror, not to mention the 7 years bad luck. [Max walks away]

Chief as Agent Q:
That started yesterday.

Maxwell Smart:
[on phone] Good work, Q. If that is the KAOS communications center, from this moment on you'll be facing torture and death.

Chief as Agent Q: [on shoephone] And... loving it!

Chief:
It says here the mummy of the Egyptian King Tut the fourth is due to arrive in the United States today.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh really? When is his daddy due?

Chief:
No, Max, this mummy, King Tut the fourth is dead.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. And you want me to find out who killed him?

Chief:
Max, he died more than three thousand years ago.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, that's bad Chief, it's gonna be very difficult to round up witnesses.

Maxwell Smart:
Listen, 13, if you hate your job so much, why don't you get into some other line of business?

Agent 13:
Because I'm a trained espionage agent. And besides, it runs in the family.

Maxwell Smart:
Your father was a spy?

Agent 13:
No, my mother.

Maxwell Smart:
Really?

Agent 13:
Yeah. She was very big in world war one.

Maxwell Smart:
No kidding. What's her name?

Agent 13:
I don't know, she won't tell us.

Agent 13:
Oh, 86 will you do me a favor?
Eh, you won't tell the Chief that my mother's a spy, will ya?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, ok, but why?

Agent 13: I don't think she's on our side.

Maxwell Smart:
Tell me this: since my true identity is such a closely guarded secret, how were you able to recognize me?

Miss Smith:
I saw your picture in one of the secret agent fan magazines.

Agent 99:
Oh Max, the Chief's got to be all right he's just got to.
If anything happens to him...

Maxwell Smart:
99...

Agent 99:
Max, please tell me he'll be all right.

Maxwell Smart:
99...

Agent 99:
Tell me he'll be all right, Max, tell me Max, tell me!

Maxwell Smart:
He'll be all right.

Agent 99:
You're just saying that.

Maxwell Smart:
You know, when I first came to Control, the Chief had a full head of hair.

Agent 99:
Really? When I came here he was bald.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, you joined two weeks after I did.

Agent 99:
I mean if anything should happen to you I...

Maxwell Smart:
Don't worry 99, nothing's going to happen to me.

Agent 99:
You know what I mean, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes I do... Ernestine.

Agent 99:
That's the first time you've ever called me Ernestine.

Maxwell Smart:
I know.

Agent 99:
I wish it were my name.

Maxwell Smart:
It's Orlando. He's dead.

Agent 99:
Oh Max, how terrible.

Maxwell Smart:
I know. That practically eliminates him as a suspect.

Maxwell Smart:
Tell me, Hurrah, what made you decide to join KAOS?

Otto Hurrah:
I'm a creative producer and director, bursting with new concepts. I was wasted in the movie business. KAOS had an opening for a mastermind, so I took it. Besides, my agent recommended it.

Maxwell Smart:
But KAOS is vicious, evil and rotten.

Otto Hurrah:
So is my agent!

Professor Sontag:
How did this melody go?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, have you ever heard the song 'Heart of my Heart'?

Professor Sontag:
Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
That wasn't it

Maxwell Smart:
Let's see what Control has given us in their Newlywed kit.
[opens suitcase and takes out each item one at a time]
Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. And brass knuckels.
This must be the Commando kit. [opens another suitcase]
Ah, this is the Newlywed kit. [takes out each item] Toothpaste. Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. Brass knuckles.

Dr. Drago:
And now Mr. Smart, it is your turn to hear my senato of death. But before I begin, do you have any last request?

Maxwell Smart:
Do you know any showtunes?

Maxwell Smart:
But what you didn't know, is that 99 and I were following you to Drago's place in a Control tracking car, did you?

Professor Sontag:
Not until I caught you in my rear-view mirror.

Maxwell Smart:
When was that?

Professor Sontag:
Just after you crashed into the rear end of my car.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max and 99 are about to approach Drago's house]
Well what are we gonna tell Drago?

Agent 99:
Tell him that our car broke down.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh come on, 99, he'd never fall for that. [Max starts the car but it won't turn over]
Come on, let's go up to the house.

Chief:
Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India.

Agent 99:
He stole the Star of India?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, he kidnapped Sabu.

Maxwell Smart:
[the computer called ARDVARC has exploded and is losing power]
Is there anyone you'd like us to notify?

ARDVARC:
[coughing sound] Yes. [another cough]

ARDVARC:
The cigarette machine, in the hall.

 That's the second biggest cosmetic case I ever saw!

Chief:
Max, we've taken every precaution.
We've even activated maximum security plan Omega.

Maxwell Smart:
[his face brightens] Plan Omega?

Chief:
[nods] And you know how long it's been since we've used that plan.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, 99. My gosh, we haven't used that plan,
since the day that Omega was murdered!

Upper Gemini:
Don't take another step. We are KAOS agents Gemini.

Maxwell Smart:
What do you want?

Upper Gemini:
Information. Tell us what we wanna know, or you die.

Maxwell Smart:
You're wasting your time. Besides, do you know who this man is?
This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States.

Upper Gemini:
That's what we wanted to know.

Maxwell Smart:
Looks like I've messed everything up.

Agent 99:
Oh, don't feel badly Max, you've messed things up before and you'll mess things up again.

Maxwell Smart:
You're just saying that to make me feel good.

Agent 99:
That's what a wife's for.

Maxwell Smart:
Morning Ingrid, what are you doing?

Ingrid:
Oh yes, I was eh, looking for the coffeepot that disappeared yesterday.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, well don't bother, it's probably cold by now.

Ingrid:
Oh Mr. Smart, do you know you are extremely attractive?

Maxwell Smart:
Oh well, I wouldn't say that.

Ingrid:
Oh, you're very handsome.

Maxwell Smart:
That I would say, yes.

Ingrid:
A nice old fashioned Swedish massage, wouldn't you like a massage?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, yes, well, I, I just got married, Ingrid, I can't have a massage.
Maybe in six months.

Chief:
[the Chief walks in to find Max and Ingrid lying on the couch] Max!

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, hi Chief, this is Ingrid, our massage she's giving me a maid.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, I think I'd better explain to you what actually happened over there, you see, I lost a cufflink in the couch, and Ingrid was helping me look for it.
[the Chief gives Max a very stern look] Eh, would you believe a tie clasp?

Agent 99:
[about the Pussycat club] Why would brilliant, intelligent men wanna go to a place like that?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, there are several reasons, 99. Men like that need a place to unwind. A change of atmosphere, a change of scene.

Agent 99:
But Max, there's nothing to do there except look at a lot of girls walking around half undressed.

Maxwell Smart:
Say, that's the best reason yet.

Chief:
Don't forget, this is a most hazardous assignment. The second you set foot in Germany, you'll be living in constant, extreme danger.

Maxwell Smart:
Und damit Gefreut.

Chief:
What's he saying now, 99?

Agent 99:
'And loving it'.

Agent 99:
But Max, all the Pussycats look alike in those outfits. How are we gonna know which one is Charlie Watkins?

Maxwell Smart:
It's really quite simple 99, all we have to do is look over all the Pussycats and the one with the most voluptuous figure, he's our man.

Maxwell Smart:
You know 99, I really feel sorry for professor Parker.
He's spend so much time working on that device.

Agent 99:
The Ice-Cube Transmitter.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. For the last six months he's tested it in every known fluid.
That's how he got his reputation.

Agent 99:
As a perfectionist?

Maxwell Smart:
No, as a drunk.

Chief:
Now Max, remember. Acting as a double agent is the most dangerous game in the world. These men are killers, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be living in constant danger every moment.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it!

Chief:
[having forbidden Max to tell 99 about his new cover]
Max, untill your mission is a success, she'll learn to do without you.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Chief, but what if my mission is a failure?

Chief:
We'll all learn to do without you.

Parker:
I would like Mr. Smart to look at your desk and see if he can detect which item is the listening device.

Chief:
Parker, I don't think you should do that.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't be ridiculous, Chief. That's a great idea. If he can fool my keen eyes, the security of KAOS is doomed. Excuse me, Agent 99. Now, let's see... Well, I don't think it's this magazine. It's a little obvious and clumsy. Uh... I don't think it's this paperweight, or the cigarette lighter.

Parker:
What about that, uh... that fly?

Maxwell Smart:
Huh? Oh. [Max swats the "fly", and Parker gasps in horror] Got it!

 The old inflatable head in the cloak trick.

Chief:
Parker has come up with a new listening device that's even cleverer than the fly. Are you ready, Parker?|

Parker:
Yes, Chief. See if you can pick this one out, Smart.
And please be a little more careful this time.

Maxwell Smart:
Right, professor.

Parker:
It's among these objects on the desk.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, let's see. It's not the cigarette lighter, right?

Parker:
Right.

Maxwell Smart:
And, uh... it's not the magazine, right?

Parker:
Correct.

Maxwell Smart:
A fly. You've built another fly.

Parker:
No, Smart, that's a real fly.

 [Max brushes at the fly and it buzzes away]
Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Are you sure it's a fly?

Parker:
Absolutely.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, then I can kill it. [Max swats at the fly and hits a lamp on the desk; sparks fly out, and Parker covers his head in frustration] I have a strange feeling it's the light bulb.

Maxwell Smart:
[on shoe-phone] Hello Chief?

Chief:
[on phone in office] Hello Max. What's wrong? your voice sounds scratchy.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, it must be the sand in the shoe. Chief.

 One of the world's greatest philosophers, Ghengis Khan, once said that a warped barrel is a fool's frustration.

Maxwell Smart:
This place is swarming with KAOS agents.

Maxwell Smart:
I know that, that's why we can't stand out here. We gotta find a place to hide.

Agent 99:
Well, what about in there?
 [pointing at an attraction with a giant octopus]

Maxwell Smart:
Are you kidding? There are gollywoggles in there!

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, 99. After all, Mr. Gaffer is still one of the best. He's my idol. Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured 10 killers armed with machine guns? Would you believe it? 10 killers with machine guns!

Agent 99:
I find that very hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 4 killers with knives?

Agent 99:
I don't think so.

Herb Gaffer:
How about a mean little kid with a pea shooter?

Maxwell Smart:
[86 and 99 are following a trail of footsteps that end in a pair of shoes]
Look 99, he had another pair of shoes waiting.

Agent 99:
The old shoe switch.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. That's the second time I've fallen for it this month.

Maxwell Smart:
[holding up Professor Booth's umbrella as a shield, but the bullets go right through it] Hey! I thought you said this was a shield!

Herbert Gaffer:
Well it is, but I just remembered: not against bullets.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't worry 99, 43 is a good man.|

Agent 99:
You're worth 2 43s, 86.

Chief:
Max, do you realize what you've done on the strength of a minor incident? You woke up the three highest ranking officers in the U.S. military, you got hundreds of planes flying in the air, you canceled thousands of leaves. That's what you've done, Max!

Maxwell Smart:
Just what are you getting at, Chief?

Chief:
I can't believe that you would summon the chiefs of staff on this awful hour simply because three Indians attacked a bus.

Maxwell Smart:
Four, Chief.

Chief:
Max, do you realize what time it is? It's three in the morning!

Maxwell Smart:
[looks at his watch] Four, Chief.

Agent 99:
Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.

Maxwell Smart:
There's something more important than medals, 99.

Agent 99:
What?

Maxwell Smart:
It's after six. I get overtime.

Agent 498:
And if any of you ever get to my country, be sure and give me a call; I'll be happy to show you around. [grabs his card] You can eh, you can reach me at that number.

Maxwell Smart:
[reads the card] Oscar's delicatessen.
Say, that's a great idea, using a delicatessen for a front.

Agent 498:
What front? That's the business we're in.
We only do spy work during our slack season.

Chief:
[Wanting Max to check for possible poison in the Prince's food] Taste the coffee.

Maxwell Smart:
No thanks, Chief, I don't drink coffee, it keeps me awake.

Chief:
Taste it Max, that's an order!

Maxwell Smart:
[Takes the cup and saucer] Wait a minute, Chief, what if this coffee is poisoned?

Chief:
Then it won't keep you awake.

Untitled

Maxwell Smart:
He was a little suspicious at first, until I gave him cover story 3MB.
He fell for it completely.

Chief: Fine, good luck, Max. [pause] 3MB? We haven't used that since Pearl Harbor.

Algernon DeGrasse:
[aiming a gun at Max & 99]
That's a very interesting picture of you in the Control file, Mr. Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
Thank you.

Algernon DeGrasse:
But why were you sitting on a pony?

Agent 99:
It was taken on his birthday.

Chief:
Max, if you don't do as I say, you're fired.

Maxwell Smart:
That's an idle threat, Chief. You'd never fire me.

Chief:
Oh no? What makes you so sure I wouldn't?

Maxwell Smart:
Because according to seniority, if I get fired from Control, Larabee moves up.

Maxwell Smart:
Hello Chief, this is Max.

Chief: Max, are there any clues?

Maxwell Smart:
No Chief, just that clip-clop sound I was telling you about.

Chief:
Does anyone on board make that noise?

Maxwell Smart:
Everyone on board makes that noise.

 Of course. The old gun in the peg leg trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this year.

Agent 44:
[hiding in a funnel] What took you so long to get here?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, first of all, we had to decode that secret message you left on the porthole.

Agent 44:
Was it hard? You know, secret messages are one of my specialties.

Maxwell Smart:
I've seen harder...

Agent 99:
[lying] Max figured it out right away.

Agent 44:
You did? Well you wait until next time. I've got a humdinger. You'll never get it!

Captain Groman:
[Max is surprised to find out the Captain has a wooden leg]
What's the matter sir, what are you staring at? Is it my leg?

Maxwell Smart:
No, I've seen legs before. It's that wooden job I'm looking at.

Captain Groman:
Ah yes, a souvenir of my younger years when I was still a lad.
You've heard of the great white whale?

Maxwell Smart:
That was done by the great white whale?

Captain Groman:
No, that was done by a small blue convertible.

Hymie:
How come you never asked me, Max? I always thought I was your best friend.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, you are my best friend, Hymie, but you're a robot. I need a best man, not a best thing. Sorry about that, Hymie, but, well, you see, it wouldn't be legal the other way. I need someone who can sign the marriage certificate and, and be a witness.

Hymie:
I can sign it Max, I can also make copies.

Chief:
[discussing Max' bachelor party] Alright, I'll thrown in the cake.
The one that Agent 38 comes out of the cake.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't think I would like that, Chief.

Chief:
Why not?

Maxwell Smart:
It's just not the same when a guy pops out of a cake.

Chief:
Have you seen 38 in a bikini?

Agent 99:
[about to dismantle a bomb hidden in Hymie] Chief, this'll only take two of us, there's no need in risking another life, especially when that life is responsible for the entire Control organization, isn't that right, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
It certainly is, 99, but I think I should stay around anyway and help.

Maxwell Smart:
What are all these papers?

Chief:
Well Max, that was, those were secret papers of Control!

Maxwell Smart:
Well why didn't you tell me, Chief?

Chief:
I couldn't, Max, it was a secret!

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm your man, Chief. This is my assignment.

Chief:
Max, this is extremely dangerous, you'd be on the spot, walking a tightrope.
Possibly facing a violent death.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it!

Maxwell Smart:
You see, I happen to be an expert at this game. As a matter of fact, I happen to be the pool champion of the entire East Coast. Would you believe it? The entire East Coast.

Willie:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe the West Coast?

Willie:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about Stubensville Ohio?

Pool Shark:
Hey, the only man I ever saw make that kind of a shot was the great pool champion "Three Fingers" Yarmy.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, yes, as a matter of fact I, eh, just stole it off 'em last week.

Pool Shark:
Last week? He's been dead for six years.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Good. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, you forgot one thing, my friend. Adrian Listenger was hard of hearing.

Ace Weems:
[cocking his head toward Max] ... What?

Maxwell Smart:
Just a minute, Listenger, there's one thing I'd like to know: why did you kill all those Control agents on the baseball team?

Ace Weems:
Because you guys were mean to me and cruel to me and you were always throwing baseballs at me.

Maxwell Smart:
But you were the catcher!

Hymie:
Groppo is a nice name. I'm looking forward to meeting him.

Maxwell Smart:
Hymie, Groppo doesn't wanna make friends with you, he wants to destroy you. He hates you.

Hymie:
People hate. Robots love.

Maxwell Smart:
I hate to say it, but Hymie is depreciated.

Agent 42:
But Hymie is unique.

Maxwell Smart:
According to the latest Control blue book, we can trade Hymie even for a 1956 Edsel.

Hymie: I'm just fine.
Maxwell Smart: You're not fine, you're sluggish. You're run down and out of tune. You go round all the time half charged. If you're not careful, terrible things could happen.
Hymie: Like what?
Maxwell Smart: Well, you could end up as a cab in South America.

Hymie:
I'm lonesome.

Maxwell Smart:
Lonesome? Who are you lonesome for?

Hymie:
For my friends at the office.

Maxwell Smart:
What friends?

Hymie:
Shirley the intercom, Sid the coffee machine,
Trudy the noiseless typewriter, Rex the elevator...

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Chief. Emilio Naharana. Isn't he the world famous ballet dancer?

Chief:
Correct. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Maxwell Smart:
No Chief, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.

Maxwell Smart:
Windish? One question. Just what is Immobilo and how does it work?

Professor Windish:
Actually, that's two questions.

Maxwell Smart:
He's bright. I like that.

Maxwell Smart:
Isn't this top secret?

Chief:
Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, don't you think it would be wize to speak in a foreign language?

Chief:
[a bit reluctantly] All right, French.

Maxwell Smart:
French? Gosh, Chief, everybody speaks French. Why don't we speak in Swahili?

Chief:
As you wish. Mahani ganga gi.

Maxwell Smart:
Ganga gi? I thought it was ganga ga.

Chief:
No, ganga gi.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, that's strange. I thought it was gi after ganga unless it came before goo.

Chief:
[exasperated] How about English?

Maxwell Smart:
English? Eh... okay, but don't go too fast.

Waiter:
[grabs 86 by the lapels, lifting him off the ground]
Listen bud, I don't like people to look at me funny.

Maxwell Smart:
Well if you don't like the way I'm looking at ya, you're gonna hate what I'm gonna say to ya. Besides, you don't look like the type that would to to England to visit the Queen.

Waiter:
Pussycat?

Maxwell Smart:
Pussycat, pussycat where have you been?

Waiter:
I've been to London to visit the Queen.

 Sorry gang, I don't usually bust in on people like this and squeeze their olives, but this is an emergency.

Maxwell Smart:
Where's your olive? Don't tell me you swallowed it...

Ozark Annie:
I swallowed it.

Maxwell Smart:
I asked you not to tell me that!

Maxwell Smart:
I happen to be a secret agent.

Ozark Annie:
[Annie bursts out laughing] You're kidding.

Maxwell Smart:
What's so hard to believe about that?

Ozark Annie:
Well face it, you ain't no Sean O'Connery. You know, all handsome and confident. Well, just take a look into the mirror, puddin'.

Ozark Annie:
[Max bursts in to rescue Annie]
Puddin' you're as welcome as a new rooster in a henhouse.

Siegfried:
What kind of nonsense is this? There are four of us and only one of him.
Put down your hands, pull out your guns. He can only shoot one of us!

Maxwell Smart:
You're the one.

Siegfried:
Please everybody, hands up!

Chief:
[opens violin case] This is the Narco 5-12...

Maxwell Smart:
I recognized it immediately.

Chief:
...A weapon so new that no one has ever seen it before.

Chief:
We're all familiar with the shock wave of a sonic boom, which occurs when an aircraft breaks the sound barrier. Now if you take that energy and amplify it ten thousand times, and confine it in a small area, can you imagine the results you'd get?

Maxwell Smart:
A rock & roll festival?

Chief:
It's not quite that bad, Max.

Agent 99:
[Larabee walks in on Max & 99 kissing passionately]
Yes, Larabee?

Larabee:
Huh?

Agent 99:
What did you want?

Larabee:
I forgot.

Agent 99:
Goodbye, Larabee.

Larabee:
Can I watch while I'm trying to remember?

Agent 99 and Maxwell Smart:
Get out, Larabee.

Agent 99:
You're not taking me on this assignment, are you, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... no, I'm not.

Agent 99:
You can't leave me out of this one, Max! This is the most important case that's ever been given to Control, this could mean the end of the world.

Maxwell Smart:
That's exactly why I'm not letting you go on this mission. If it's going to mean the end of the world, I want to make sure that you're all right.

 Of course. The old poisoned needle in the phonograph trick!

Maxwell Smart:
This is top security. I'll use my garter phone.
 [starts rolling up pant leg]

Agent 99:
Why are you wearing two garters?

Maxwell Smart:
How do you like that? They tapped my garter phone.

 Of course. The old double door deception trick, it just might work!

Maxwell Smart:
[dressed as a Mexican musician]
You know something, Agent 99, I like you with a moustache.

Agent 99:
[wearing a Charlie Chaplin outfit] Thanks.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't shave it off.

Maxwell Smart:
I like that plan, Chief. It's inventive, imaginative and brilliantly thought out.

Agent 99:
Max, it sounds like a suicide mission to me.

Maxwell Smart:
Well of course it's a suicide mission, 99, so what? Our next mission will be easier.

Agent 99:
[as they meet an overweight psychic] Mrs. Ferris said she's a medium.

Maxwell Smart:
Looks more like a large to me.

Ann Ferris:
What do you know about Paul John Mondebello?

Maxwell Smart:
He's the head of the Creative Entertainment buro. That's a theatrical agency which is actually a front for KAOS. Hmm, he's the best agent in showbusiness.

Ann Ferris:
Mondebello is vicious, cunning and deceiving.

Maxwell Smart:
That's what I just said. He's the best agent in showbusiness.

Maxwell Smart:
There's enough evidence here to destroy KAOS' whole operation on the Western
hemisphere and send Mondebello to the electric chair.

Mondebello:
[jumps from hiding place pointing a pistol] I wouldn't be so sure.

Mrs Ferris:
Mondebello!

Agent 99:
Mondebello!

Maxwell Smart:
Who are you?

Maxwell Smart:
[to Hymie] I know that under that metal body of yours, there beats the mechanical heart of a really nice guy.

Agent 99:
Hymie, you're crying.

Maxwell Smart:
Take it easy Hymie. You'll rust your eyeball.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you like to join Control?

Hymie:
No thank you.

Maxwell Smart:
No?

Hymie:
I just don't like violence.

Agent 99:
What would you like to do?

Hymie:
I'd like to work for IBM.

Chief:
Oh, because of your scientific curiosity?

Hymie:
No, it's a nice way to meet some intelligent machines.

Maxwell Smart:
...and don't forget to kill the light.
 [Hymie pulls out his gun and shoots the light]

Maxwell Smart:
That's fantastic Hymie! You should get a medal for this. You knock me out.
 [Hymie punches Max and knocks him out]

Wanda:
[sign] The Grateful Dead are alive and living in Beverly Hills.

Maxwell Smart:
[countersign] Simon and Garfunkel fell off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Agent 86.

Wanda:
I'm hip. Courier 12.

Maxwell Smart:
Did you get the information on the Groovy Guru?

Wanda:
Enough here for the fuzz to peel and freeze.

Maxwell Smart:
Huh?

Wanda:
Square city. You know, enough to put him away for life.

Chief:
What if they torture you?

Maxwell Smart: Well, I can stand the pain if they can stand the screams.

Maxwell Smart:
You're wasting your time, Guru. I've trained my mind to go completely blank any time I want it to.

Agent 99: That's right, he can do that!

Maxwell Smart:
Don't tell me you pulled the plug?

Agent 99:
I pulled the plug, Max. [before Max can say his catchphrase]
You asked me not to tell you that, didn't you?

Chief:
Max, this job calls for an agent with high intelligence, sharp judgement and total fearlessness.

Maxwell Smart:
[flattered] Well, ok Chief, if you put it that way...

Chief:
Unfortunately I can't spare 99 right now.

Chief:
Oh and Max, remember: both Joshua and the Baron are ruthless, cold blooded killers. From the minute you set foot in that hotel you'll be facing constant, extreme danger.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it.

Carlson:
Now, this on the surface appears to be nothing more than an American cheese sandwich. However... [opens the sandwich]

Maxwell Smart:
Are you kidding... a telephone! Why, that's fantastic.

Carlson:
Thank you.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, does it come in any other colors?

Carlson:
Just basic black. But it does come in different sandwiches:
egg salad, peanut butter and an imported liverworst.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't move, Joshua. This hammer happens to be a 45 caliber pistol.

Frank Lloyd Joshua:
So is this wrench.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh really? Carlson is gonna feel terrible about this...

Conrad Bunny:
Ah, the famous Maxwell Smart. I am Conrad Bunny.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, of course, the infamous Herr Bunny.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, if I don't make it, 99, I want you to do something for me.

Agent 99:
What is it, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
The Chief owes me a nickel. I'd like you to have it.

Agent 99:
Max... you were wonderful!

Maxwell Smart:
No 99, the real credit belongs to these toys. After all, we had at our disposal every fiendish and destructive plaything ever devised for the pleasure of little children. Those poor devils, all they had were real guns and bullets.

Maxwell Smart:
99, I'm hit! I'm bleeding!

Agent 99:
It's only red wine, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm bleeding red wine?

Agent 13:
[hiding inside a weight and fortune machine] Hi 86, Agent 13 here.

Maxwell Smart:
What have you got, 13?

Agent 13:
Claustrophobia and flat feet.

Maxwell Smart:
Take my watch as security.

Agent 13:
Yeah, well, I don't know, 86... [starts examining it]

Maxwell Smart:
It's a perfectly good watch!

Agent 13:
Look at that, one of Mickey Mouse' hands is broken.

Maxwell Smart:
Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee?

Agent 99:
Yes, Max. It was a Kaos front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it?

Maxwell Smart:
It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town.

[Max suddenly shoots a window washer]
Agent 99:
Max, what did you do?

Maxwell Smart:
Just eliminated a Kaos agent.

Agent 99:
Well, how could you be sure?

Maxwell Smart:
Because, 99, my eagle eye picked out a few things that the ordinary person might not see. First of all, his sponge was absolutely filthy. Second, he was using horizontal strokes instead of vertical strokes. And finally, he was holding his squeegee with an overlapping lacrosse grip.

Agent 99:
Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.

Maxwell Smart:
I wasn't finished, 99.

Agent 99:
Sorry, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.

Agent 99:
Good thinking, Max.

 Of course. The old microphone in the squeegee trick.

Mr. Smith:
Eh, pardon me, I have it on reliable authority that professor Longnecker was murdered earlier this morning.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, that's true. You must be an old friend come to offer condoleances.

Mr. Smith:
No, I'm the landlord, come to show the apartment.

Siegfried:
Nobody leaves! Not until we have made contact with your friend Dr. T.

Maxwell Smart:
Dr. T? What are you talking about, Siegfried? I never heard of a Dr. T.

Agent 99:
Neither have I. What does he specialize in?

Siegfried:
Fortune cookie messages and the Omega Deltroid Solatron Mark II.

Maxwell Smart:
How do you like that? Two wild lucky guesses.

Chief:
We don't know who they're going to impersonate next.
So none of us is safe. We can't take any chances.

Maxwell Smart:
[pulls out a gun] All right, that's it! Stay right where you are, nobody move!

Agent 99:
Max!

Chief:
What are you doing?

Maxwell Smart:
Just checking you out, Mister. If you really are the Chief of Control, prove it.

Chief:
Put it away.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm not putting anything away until I'm completely satisified that you're not an imposter!

Chief:
If you don't put it away in exactly two seconds, you're fired.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm completely satisfied.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, 38 it certainly is good to see you again. How's Mrs 38?

Agent 38:
Oh just fine, we're expecting a little fraction soon.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm telling you, Chief, this was no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man.

Chief:
What's the man's name?

Maxwell Smart:
I can't remember.

Chief:
What was the girl's name?

Maxwell Smart:
I didn't get it.

Chief:
What about the license number of the girl's car?

Maxwell Smart:
I didn't see it.

Chief:
How about the license of the other car?

Maxwell Smart:
I didn't notice.

Chief:
Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like 'I can't remember,' 'I didn't notice' and 'I didn't see it?'

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Agent 99:
Oh, Max, the lab men asked me to bring you this belt to wear to the party tonight.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, thank you, 99.

Agent 99:
It's the latest piece of special equipment.
The buckle contains a minuscule tape recorder.

Maxwell Smart:
What?
Agent 99:
Minuscule. Diminutive. Microcosmic.

Maxwell Smart: Heh.
You certainly have a way with words, 99.
 [turns to the Chief for further explanation]

Chief:
Teensy weensy.

Agent 99:
Now listen carefully. We've got to keep you out of sight for two weeks until after the Tudbury trial. Now we'll pretend to keep you here in Control headquarters. Actually we'll take you on a helicopter to hideout B, which is the penthouse suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you down an express elevator to hideout C which is the basement suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you out the back way up the fire escape to hideout D which is a shack on top of the Warfield hotel. Have you got that?

Maxwell Smart:
Not all of it, 99.

Agent 99:
What part didn't you get?

Maxwell Smart:
The part after 'listen carefully'.

Agent 99:
Don't worry, Max, I'll take you there myself.
Believe me, KAOS will never, never know where you are.

Maxwell Smart:
I wouldn't be too sure of that, 99.

Agent 99:
|Well how could they possibly know?

Maxwell Smart:
I forgot to hang up the telephone. They're still on the other end.

Maxwell Smart:
Boy, that was close, officer. I almost got killed.

Cop:
Naturally. You were jay-walking. I'm gonna have to give you a ticket for that.

Maxwell Smart:
But they were shooting at me!

Cop:
That's homicide. I'm traffic.

Siegfried:
Tell your Chief I am ready to cooperate with Control.
Also I will sell them some of Kaos' top secrets.

Maxwell Smart:
All right, Siegfried, I'll tell 'em. But I don't think the Chief will trust you.

Siegfried:
Give me one good reason why he shouldn't trust me.

Maxwell Smart:
Because you're a rotten, vicious, cruel, cunning, maniacal murderer.

Siegfried:
All right, that's one. Now give me another.

Agent 99:
If Siegfried is on the level, Chief, think of all the valuable information we can get from him.

Chief:
Yes, you may be right. Max, where does he want to meet?

Maxwell Smart:
In the same warehouse.

Chief:
Well all right, but if it's a trap and we get killed, you're fired!

Chief:
[pause] Max, you know I'm frightened...

Maxwell Smart:
Why Chief?

Chief:
I'm beginning to sound like you.

 Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. For the past twenty minutes I have sat idly by while my worthy opponent, the prosecuting attorney has stood up here and made a complete jackass out of himself. Now it's my turn.

Agent 99:
Don't worry Max, we've got the best criminal lawyer available.

Maxwell Smart:
[quite exited] Gregson?

Chief:
No, he wouldn't touch the case.

Maxwell Smart:
[less enthusiastic] Boumser?

Agent 99:
No, he said he was leaving town.

Chief:
Right after he heard about your case...

Maxwell Smart:
[getting worried] Yarmy?

Agent 99:
No, he's defending the Boston Strangler.

Maxwell Smart:
[desperate] Don't tell me it's Hanrahan?

Agent 99, Chief:
It's Hanrahan.

Maxwell Smart:
I asked you not to tell me that! He hasn't won a case in 30 years!

Chief:
I guess he just want to keep his record perfect.

 Now it's easy for the prosecuting attorney to stand up here and accuse me of all these horrible crimes. It's easy for him, he's got proof. But what about me?

Maxwell Smart:
Do you have any vacancies here?

Desk Clerk:
We always got vacancies. What do you want, the bridal suite or the royal suite?

Maxwell Smart:
The royal suite.

Desk Clerk:
The bridal suite's nearer the bathroom.

Jeweler:
Can I help you?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, I'm looking for a diamond engagement ring for my fiancée. Money is no object.

Jeweler:
Eh, what price did you have in mind?

Maxwell Smart:
80 dollars.

Maxwell Smart:
You keep soap in your pocketbock?

Agent 99:
Well, it looks like soap and it feels like soap but actually it's a camouflage for a secret carrying case.

Maxwell Smart:
Well what do you keep in the carrying case?

Agent 99:
Soap.

Maxwell Smart:
It's Spiegel's jewelry store, right around the corner of Spiegel's drugstore, next to Spiegel's delicatessen, where Spiegel's cleaners used to be.

Agent 99:
And where is that?

Maxwell Smart:
Fourth and Spiegel.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max is a substitute teacher in a Control class and a student has brought his attractive girlfriend to class] Caruso, you ought to know better than to bring an outsider into this classroom.

Lundy, Agent 198:
He does it every day and every day she gets thrown out.

Maxwell Smart:
Well why do you do that?

Caruso, Agent 199:
[everyone watches as his girlfriend slowly walks from the room]
I like to watch her leave.

 Now it's easy for the prosecuting attorney to stand up here and accuse me of all these horrible crimes. It's easy for him, he's got proof. But what about me?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, Agent 99, but there's an old Chinese proverb that goes: life is like a pair of chopsticks. If you grab them... eh, you, eh... No, that's not it. Let me see... Ehm... Life is like a shirt. If you lose your buttons, you... No, that isnt it either. Let's see... I've got it! Life is a kumquat.

Agent 99:
That's it?

Maxwell Smart:
Life isn't a kumquat?

Greco:
You don't look like a trainer to me.

Maxwell Smart:
Is that so. Well, I happen to be an expert. Why, I once trained a girl to swim across the English channel four times. Would you believe it, four times!

Greco:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe three times across the Mississippi?

Greco:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about twice around the bathtub?

 [Greco walks off]

Maxwell Smart: |
[to 99 and the Chief] Once around the bathtub?

Chief:
Larrabee, has that sample come back from the Control lab yet?

Larabee:
It's on my desk, Chief.

Chief:
Bring it in.

Larabee:
I'll need somebody to help me, that desk is pretty heavy.

Maxwell Smart:
I'll help ya, Larrabee.

Agent 99:
[Max has booked a trip to the Caribbean on a banana boat]
A banana boat, is that safe?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, this boat has an excellent safety record, 99. In 40 years it's only had one mishap. That's when it collided with a freighter carrying cornflakes.

Agent 99:
But that's terrible!

Maxwell Smart:
Not really, fortunately a sugar boat came along.

Chief:
José Vargas is going to be in Washington this week. He'll only be here two days and I wanted to be here to see him.

Maxwell Smart:
Well I hardly think that a Spanish flamenco dancer is more important than my honeymoon.

Chief:
Max, José Vargas is a member of the Spanish Secret Service.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh that José Vargas, well he's a member of the S.S.S.

Chief:
The S.S.S., S.S.S.

Maxwell Smart:
The S.S.S., S.S.S., S.S.S?

Chief:
The Spanish Secret Service Strategic Security Staff.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course. The Spanish Securita Saff, seeve, secret service, secret Spanish staff, the - he's one of those Spanish spies, Chief. The fellow with the little mustache and the big Chihuahua.

Chief:
No Max, the little Chihuahua. Big mustache.

Maxwell Smart:
His little Chihuahua has a big mustache?

Agent 99:
Oh, Max, I'll miss you so much, I'll write to you every day.

Maxwell Smart:
I'll write to you twice a day, 99.

Agent 99:
That'll be an awful lot of letters, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, we can save them and read them on our honeymoon.
It will give us something to do.

Chief:
I suffer from acrophobia.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Fear of acrobats?

Chief:
No, fear of high places.

Chief:
Now remember, now that we know that KAOS is in possession of the stolen plans, what we have to find out is how they intend to smuggle them out of the country and when.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. Well, what you're saying, Chief is that now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when and where.

Chief:
No, forget about where. When we find out how, we'll know where.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, how will how tell us where?

Chief:
If it's going by boat, it's probably going to Richelieu's salon in Beirut, which is a safe port. If it's going by plane, it'll probably go to his salon in Damascus. You understand?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, I understand Chief, but I don't think I quite agree with you. You see all you've told me is that we know how but we don't know who, when or where. So that tells us that we don't know anything.

Chief:
[blinks] What?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, we know who, and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where?

Chief:
Max, you're driving me crazy.

Maxwell Smart:
How?

Chief:
Don't say that word!

Maxwell Smart:
Why?

Maxwell Smart:
No 99, I can't let you do it, it's too risky. No, it's out of the question. And there's nothing that you can say or do that will make me change my mind. That's final, that settles it, that's it.

Agent 99:
But Max, I want to.

Maxwell Smart:
Ok.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, and one more thing: you were wrong about where.

Chief:
I was wrong about what?

Maxwell Smart:
Not what, where. You see, knowing how the shipment was sent didn't tell us who, it only told us why.

Chief:
What are you talking about?

Agent 99:
How and when didn't tell us what and where.

Chief:
You too?

Agent 99:
When we knew what and how, we should have known when and where.

Maxwell Smart:
No, why and who told us when and where.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I guess Jarvis Pym will get his fifty million dollars.

Chief:
But that's blackmail, Max, you know what happens when you pay off a blackmailer?

Maxwell Smart:
He gives you a receipt?

Chief:
No, he comes back the next day and asks for more money. Besides, we have no guarantee that if we pay the fifty million, Pym will destroy the drug.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes we do, if he gives us a receipt.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course! The old pestle in the mortar trick.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
No, the old mortar in the mortar trick.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Observe. [opens secret compartment in his ring]
Sodium Calcium Chloride, do you know what that is?

Maxwell Smart:
An artificial sweetener?

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
No, it's the second most deadly poison in the world.

Maxwell Smart:
What's the first?

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Artificial sweetener.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
[about to swallow a deadly poison hidden in a secret compartment in his ring]
Well, goodbye, Mr and Mrs Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
Not so fast, Pym. Observe. [opens secret compartment in his ring]

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
What's that?

Maxwell Smart:
Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take that Sodium Calcium Chloride, I'll shove this down your throat. Not the ring, the powder. And you'll be alive again.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
That's very clever of you, Mr. Smart, but I was prepared. Observe again:
 [opens secret compartment in another ring]
Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you bring me back to life, I shall take this and then I shall be permanently disposed of.

Maxwell Smart:
Temporarily permanently disposed of.
 [opens secret compartment on yet another ring] You know what's in here?

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, that makes two of us. What in here, 99?

Agent Agent 99:
Anti-pro-anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take Sodium Calcium Chloride and Max brings you back to life with Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride and you decide to destroy yourself again with Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride, Max will bring you back to life again with Anti-Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Well, that's easy enough for you to say. I've run out of rings.

Maxwell Smart:
Well I'm glad to hear that, it was my turn next.

Chief:
Just don't get caught. Capture would mean certain death.

Maxwell Smart:
Suicide mission, huh chief? Well, you've picked the right man.

Chief:
I hope so.

Maxwell Smart:
You hope what, that you picked the right man or that it's a suicide mission?

Chief:
'The little red tractor that huffed and puffed'.

Agent 99:
Must be some kind of code, Chief.

Chief:
That's possible, 99

Maxwell Smart:
[slaps the table] That's it, Chief.

Chief:
That's what?

Maxwell Smart:
Red means communist. Tractor means farmer. Huff and puff means tired.
[sits back with a smug look on his face]

Chief:
What's that supposed to mean?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know. Find a tired communist farmer and ask him.

KAOS Agent:
Where did you shoot me?

Maxwell Smart:
Left chest.

KAOS Agent: Ah! Good!

Maxwell Smart:
Good?

KAOS Agent:
As a KAOS agent, I get double indemnity for getting shot above the waist.

Maxwell Smart:
Double indemnity for being shot only once?

KAOS Agent:
Not only that, if I'm shot and I don't die instantly my family gets an additional 25 per cent for suffering...

Maxwell Smart:
Unbelievable.

KAOS Agent:
And if I survive my wounds, I get a guaranteed six weeks convalescence leave with pay.

Maxwell Smart:
With pay? You gotta be putting me on.

KAOS Agent:
Not only that, we get to stay free in any resort on our KAOS credit card, American plan. Three superb meals a day. Tennis, golf, bingo parties, dance lessons and... free... funerals. [finally succumbs to his wounds]

Maxwell Smart:
Lucky devil. Bingo parties? I didn't know KAOS was religious?

Maxwell Smart:
How do you like that? The old secret panel in the bookcase trick.
How corny can you get?

KAOS Agent:
It fooled you, didn't it?

Maxwell Smart:
Just barely.

Chief:
There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next.
May be even the Pentagon.

Maxwell Smart:
You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.

Chief:
Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, let me see now. I went in on a Friday...

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, when was the last time I beat you at chess?

Chief:
You've never beaten me at chess, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
That long ago, eh?

 The old timebomb in the roll trick.

Woman Agent:
Tell me, Max, where does your Chief go on wednesday nights?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more specific than that, Shirley.
What Wednesday night?

Woman Agent:
How about next Wednesday night?

Maxwell Smart:
You're wasting your time. That's classified information.

Woman Agent:
Then what are you doing next Wednesday night, Maxie?
Maybe we could do it together.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm afraid not. You see, I'm guarding the Chief at a concert next Wednesday night.

Maxwell Smart:
[as the Chief raises the Cone of Silence] Well what's the matter, Chief?

Chief:
What's the matter? Didn't you hear that echo?

Maxwell Smart:
Didn't I hear what?

Chief: Echo, echo, echo!

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, I heard it that time.

Maxwell Smart:
Now, according to my calculations, the safe should be - right behind that painting.

Simmons:
Are you sure?

Maxwell Smart:
Here, help me move this safe over, so I can stand on it and get a better look.

Agent 99: Do you think that's our contact over there?

Maxwell Smart:
We'll know in a minute, 99, I'll give 'em the password.

Maxwell Smart:
[walks up to the golfer] Hi there!

Fargo:
Hello.

Maxwell Smart:
He's our man. I'm 86, she's Agent 99.

Fargo:
Say, you two have some handicaps!

Maxwell Smart:
No, we're the Control agents that you asked to see. Aren't you Fred Fargo?

Fargo:
No, I'm Frank Fargo.

Maxwell Smart:
Frank Fargo? But we were supposed to meet Fred Fargo.

Fargo:
Fred Fargo is my sister in law Frieda's father.
Furthermore, he flew to Frankfurt, Friday.

Maxwell Smart:
What are you doing?

Dr. Simon:
Exorcising. I've gotta keep in shape. You know what they say: a healthy body makes a healthy mind.

Maxwell Smart:
You must have some mind.

 Of course! The old mortar in the rocks in the 14th hole trick.

Maxwell Smart:
99, how can you worry about a ring at a time like this? We've got less than two hours before that missile center is gonna blow up. And not only do we not know how it's going to be done, we don't even know who is gonna do it.

Agent 99:
We know when.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, knowing when isn't gonna tell us who or how.
I'd gladly trade my when for a who and a how.

Agent 99:
Why?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... Why. Yeah, a good question, 99. Well, you see, if we know who, then we can watch how who did it, and then that will give us our who, our how, and our when.

Agent 99:
That makes sense.

Maxwell Smart:
I know it, 99, that's what worries me.

KAOS Hood:
With that kind of a price on your head, every killer in the country is gonna be after you. You don't stand a chance.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh really? Well I've got news for you, fella. Anybody who tries to collect that reward is gonna have to do it over my dead body.

Maxwell Smart:
[calling out to Agent 13 who is hiding in an ice cream vending machine] Agent 13?

Agent 13:
No, it's the abominable snowman. Of course it's me.

Maxwell Smart:
All right, what have you got, 13?

Agent 13:
You name it: pneumonia, bronchitis, frostbite, the flu.

Maxwell Smart:
Doctor, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth.
Are you going to kill me?

Dr. Noodelman:
[smiling broadly] Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
Wouldn't you like a little more time to think over your answer?

Maxwell Smart:
[impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Where is everybody?

Bartender:
Banditos came through here an hour ago and took all our women.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well, why didn't you go after them?

Bartender:
Have you ever seen our women?

C. Errol Madre:
I've been waiting a long time, what do ya say we get started mañana?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, if it's all the same to you, Madre, I'd just as soon start tomorrow.
Unless of course you wanna start mañana, it's up to you.

Chief:
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong, the strongest female counter spy in the world.
Max, you've got to be especially carefull, she is gorgeous and deadly.

Maxwell Smart:
[with emphasis] So... am I.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Thank you, eh, mister...

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I'm sorry. [takes out a calling card]
Bill Banford, president of the Ramid American Oil Company.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I've seen Mr. Banford. He's a tall, sixty year old man with grey hair, he was a guest in our hotel once.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. [takes out another card] Well how about Fred Lamister, munitions.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I think I've seen him.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. [picks another card] Harry Schlerb, toy manufacturer?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Well...

Maxwell Smart:
Mervin Gribbs, calling card manufacturer?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I've never met the man.

Maxwell Smart:
Ah! [raises his glass in a toast] Then meet Mervin Gribbs.

 The old finger in the gun trick. That's the second time I've used it this month.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
You have become a nuisance, Mr. Smart, and you know what I do with nuisances?

Maxwell Smart:
You ignore them and hope they'll go away?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Wrong.

Maxwell Smart:
Wrong. You don't ignore them and hope they'll go away?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Wrong.

Maxwell Smart:
Wrong again.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I dispose of them once and for all.

Maxwell Smart:
That was my next guess.

Woman Passenger:
[having seen Max using his donut and coffee cup phone]
Pardon me sir, may I have your donut?

Maxwell Smart:
Why?

Woman Passenger:
Mine isn't working.

 May I have your attention please for a moment? Everything is under control and there's absolutely nothing to worry about. We will be landing in Miami in just a few moments. However, there is one small problem. Does anybody here know how to land a four engine jet?

Busby:
[having just learned 86 and Agent 99 are engaged] How long have known her, 86?

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I've known 99 since she was 24.

Busby:
I thought Huffacker was 24?

Senator:
Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Senator:
Who's the number one man in your organization?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Senator:
How many cases were assigned to Control last year?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Senator:
What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?

Maxwell Smart:
They can't fire me.

Senator:
And why not?

Maxwell Smart:
I know too much.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max's car has just been repossessed] Oh, one thing: be careful of the machine gun in the exhaust pipe. It's been backfiring lately.

Finance Man:
Machine gun in the exhaust pipe, right.

Maxwell Smart: |
Oh, another thing: don't remove the radiator cap. It sprays a poisonous gas.

Finance Man:
Poisonous gas from radiator. Right.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, one last thing: don't use the cigarette lighter. It's a hand grenade.

Finance Man:
Lighter is a hand grenade. Right... you've got a dangerous car there.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know why you say that, it's got seatbelts.

Maxwell Smart:
[disguised as an old man] All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?

Siegfried:
[disguised as an old lady] Schmart, KAOS is a growing organisation.
And you'll be working with a great bunch of boys.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know, Siegfried, I've heard there not all as rotten as they pretend to be.

Siegfried:
Not as rotten? Are you kidding? They are all former grease masters, disc jockeys, used car salesmen, TV repairmen und politicians.

 Hello Control? This is Maxwell Smart. No, Smart. S as in splendid, M as in marvelous, A as in...

Siegfried:
What are you doing here? You should be studying for tomorrow's exam.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes of course. Well, you see, Siegfried, I thought it would be a lot easier to study for tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight.

Siegfried:
Excellent! All ze world loves a cheat. Forget the exam, you just passed it.

Nealis:
You will get nothing out of me, Mr. Smart. KAOS trains it's men well. I can take threats, torture, starvation. How about you?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I can take threats and starvation. Torture I'm not too crazy about.

Chief:
This morning I received a phone call that may change the destiny of our entire organization. Weeknews magazine is going to do a feature story on us.

Maxwell Smart:
Weeknews magazine?

Chief:
They picked us over Eddie Fisher, Ho Chi Minh and the President's grandson.

Agent 99:
Do you think publicity is such a good idea, Chief?

Maxwell Smart:
Well of course it is. The CIA is in the newspapers all the time and the FBI has it's own television show. We're the only secret organization in the world that nobody ever heard of.

 Well, you fell for the old remote control self propelled spinning doorknob trick.

Mr. Fitzmaurice:
Are there any real rooms on this floor?

Maxwell Smart:
Naturally none. Because you see this is a false 8th floor.

Mr. Fitzmaurice:
Oh, this is a false 8th floor?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. The real 8th floor is on the 9th floor.

Mr. Fitzmaurice:
Oh, then the floor below this is the 7th floor?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, no, you see we didn't have room in this building for the 7th floor so we put it in
the building next door. Now the building next door has two 7th floors.

Mr. Fitzmaurice:
Two 7th floors?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. It's a very interesting thing to know in case you ever go there. Which you probably won't, because the building next door is a false building.

 Every open and shut case has its loophole.

Maxwell Smart:
[indicating a large trunk] Wardrobe trunk door.

Mr. Fitzmaurice:
Oh, naturally. Eh, do you have such a thing as a door-door in this organization?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, but it's a window.

Chief:
California is expecting an earthquake. Now this is the perfect alibi for KAOS: they blow California into the ocean and everybody will blame it on the earthquake.

Agent 99:
But Chief, if that were to happen...

Chief:
That's right, 99, it would be a disaster.

Maxwell Smart:
And some disaster! Just think, Ronald Reagan would have to go back to making movies again!

Agent 99:
[there is a knock at the door] Who is it?

Maxwell Smart:
[off screen, behind door] It's me, honey.

Agent 99:
What's the password?

Maxwell Smart:
I lost my wallet.

Agent 99:
That's not the password.

Maxwell Smart:
I know, but I had the password written on a piece of paper in my wallet.

 Of course! The old secret supply room in the supply room trick.

Maxwell Smart:
[after the doorbell rings] Be quiet. [draws his gun]

Agent 99:
Do you think it might be KAOS?

Maxwell Smart:
Either that or your mother.

Dr. Zharko:
So, Mr. Smart, we meet again.

Maxwell Smart:
We've never met before.

Dr. Zharko:
No? Oh, I thought we had. Must have been your brother.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't have a brother.

Dr. Zharko:
Would you like me to make you one?

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Chief, I read about that case in the papers. Three guys went into Fort Knox and they got 600 pounds of gold bars, put 'em in a sack, dropped them from a roof, to a guy who was waiting on the ground below.

Chief:
That's right, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
And then all three guys on the roof were shot down.

Agent 99:
How'd the fourth man die, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
He caught the sack.

Maxwell Smart:
Excuse me, but I've always been curious:
what makes a person wanna work in a morgue?

Mr. Obler:
I like a job where you meet people.

Maxwell Smart:
Dr. Zharko, KAOS' mad scientist?

Agent 99:
But Chief, that's not possible. He was arrested by the Transylvanian highway patrol over a year ago and executed.

Maxwell Smart:
Well that's probably when he decided to experiment with bringing people back to life.

Agent 99:
While he was dead?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, he probably had a lot of time on his hands.

Chief:
Now, here is my plan. And I'm glad we're not in my office or you'd insist on our using the Cone of Silence.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I've already taken measures for that, Chief.
I brought along the portable Cone of Silence, it was in my car.

Badeff:
You like that, Mr. Wilcox? Are you certain you're a music lover?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, of course I am. Why, do you know that I once listened to 3 straight weeks of Beethoven? Would you believe it? 3 weeks of Beethoven!

Badeff:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 2 weeks of Bach?

Badeff:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about an hour of Looney Tunes?

Maxwell Smart:
I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand...

Chief:
Yes?

Maxwell Smart:
Is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't think we should talk right here in the open, Chief,
I think we should use the cone of silence.

Chief:
Oh Max, every time we use the cone of silence something terrible happens.
Can't you just write it to me on a piece of paper?

Maxwell Smart:
People can read a piece of paper, Chief.

Chief:
I'll burn it afterwards.

Maxwell Smart:
Ashes can be reassembled.

Chief:
I'll eat the note!

Maxwell Smart:
They could operate on you and get it back.

Chief:
All right, Max. The Cone of Silence.

Chief:
[under the cone of silence] What was it you wanted to know, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, could you let me have twenty dollars until pay day?

Chief:
So you got me in this thing just to ask me money? Are you out of your mind?
Are you serious? Are you completely insane?

Maxwell Smart:
One question at a time, Chief.

Maxwell Smart:
You're not angry, are you Chief?

Chief:
How would you feel if some simpleton used a class A security procedure merely in order too borrow twenty dollars. I don't believe it!

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe thirty dollars?

Chief:
This mission is so top secret, that for the next seventy two hours you'll be entirely on your own. You won't even be able to contact Control. You won't know me, and I won't know you. Good luck, Max. [holds out his hand]

Maxwell Smart:
I beg your pardon, I don't believe we've met.

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at a photograph]
So this is the little devil that cost Conrad Palmeter his life.

Agent 99:
The millionaire art director? Did he own the Tequila Mockingbird?

Maxwell Smart:
Several times. When he was 30, he bought it from a Hindu sailer in the city of Tequila, Mexico. Then 10 years later it was stolen by a Chinese accountant. At the age of 52 Permetta was able to buy it back at an auction in Beirut. Then 10 years later it mysteriously disappeared again. He spend the next 50 years searching for it.

Agent 99:
You said the Mockingbird cost him his life, Max. How did he die?

Maxwell Smart:
Old age.

Valdez:
There she is, Senor Dietrick: the Tequila Mockingbird.

Dietrick:
Beautiful! Beautiful! Superb...

Dietrick:
Si, magnifico!

Maxwell Smart:
Not bad.

Chief:
Max, I don't mean to suggest that you're not telling the truth, but isn't it just conceivable that this whole affair could've been a bad dream?

Maxwell Smart:
Absolutely not, Chief! I tell you, I saw two invisible men!

 Once again the forces of virtue have triumphed over the forces of rottenness.

Maxwell Smart:
[in phone booth] Hello Chief, this is Max. Well, I got Kendall here to the airport without anything going wrong. This is one Control agent that KAOS is not gonna get their hands on. By this time Tomorrow, Kendall will be in London, delivering the top secret defence plans to Nato. What's that? Oh really? Oh, thank you.
 [disconnects call] Hello operator? I just got the wrong number.

 So that's how you did it: the old check the baggage, take out the insurance, page 'em on the phone, spin the booth trick.

Maxwell Smart:
[posing as Major Kessler] Zit is KAOS, we don't eh...

Siegfried:
Chickie Chickie Chi...

Maxwell Smart: |
We don't do zat here.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, you're talking with an accent.

Kendall:
Before I was talking wiz an accent, now I'm talking right.

Hathaway:
Allow me to lower the umbrella of silence.

Maxwell Smart:
The umbrella of silence?

Hathaway:
England, old boy.

Maxwell Smart:
All right, let's check our watches. 5.33.

Turk:
6 O'clock.

El Gatto:
9.45.

Le Mans:
8.15.

Maxwell Smart:
Perfect. We're right on schedule.

Hathaway:
[pointing a gun at Max, the Chief and 99]
Only one question remains: who goes first?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, you haven't volunteered for anything lately, Chief...

Maxwell Smart:
[Hymie has just wolfed down Max's hotdog] How did it taste?

Hymie:
Delicious. Even the poison was good.

Maxwell Smart:
Poison?

Hymie:
I'm programmed to detect poison. That was arsenic, 8 grams, 2 cc's.

Maxwell Smart:
Are you alright Hymie?

Hymie:
Of course. Arsenic is good for cleaning out my tubes.

 Alright, men. The eyes of the free world are on you today. So I want you to remember to keep your heads and your shorts up.

Maxwell Smart:
[Hymie is almost electrocuted by a booby trapped phone] Hymie! Are you alright?

Hymie:
[still shaking] I don't know.

Maxwell Smart:
Well what happened?

Hymie:
I think I'm in love

Larabee:
Listen, Max, the twins can stay at our place for a few days. My wife would love taking care of them, and they'd have a lot of fun playing in the sand.

Maxwell Smart:
You have a place at the beach, Larabee?

Larabee:
No, but we have a very sandy apartment.

Maxwell Smart:
[thinks for a moment] Thanks just the same, Larabee.

Larabee:
Any time, Max.

Chief:
Hold it, Larabee.

Larabee:
Yeah, Chief?

Chief:
You're not gonna get away with that one that easily.

Larabee:
Which one?

Chief:
Explain it to me, how you have a very sandy apartment.

Larabee:
Oh, well, there's nothing to explain, Chief, we can't get the sand out because our vacuum cleaner's broken.

Chief:
Larabee, if you don't live at the beach, how can you have all that sand in your apartment?

Larabee:
Oh, well, we've been talking about moving to the beach and we wanted to see if we'd like it.

Chief:
Thank you, Larabee.

Chief:
Max, are you sure you and Larabee aren't related?

Maxwell Smart:
You know, a lot of people have asked me that lately, Chief.

Chief:
[Max is constantly falling down] Max, I think you're coming down with something.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, if I am, Chief, I'm coming down with it a lot.

Maxwell Smart:
You might as well hand over that gun, Blaster, because this yacht happens to be surrounded by the seventh fleet.

The Blaster:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe the sixth fleet?

The Blaster:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about a school of angry flounder?

Agent 99:
How can you move around an island this size?


Siegfried:
I don't suppose you've seen the back of this island, have you?


Maxwell Smart:
No, why?

Siegfried:
We have the biggest outboard motor you ever saw!

Starker:
The biggest! [imitates motor sound]

Siegfried:
Starker! This is KAOS! We don't [imitates sound] Siegfried: here!

Maxwell Smart:
This is the strangest island that I've even been on. There's absolutely nothing to eat. I've been up in those trees for hours. There's no coconuts, no bananas.

Agent 99:
What about fish?

Maxwell Smart:
There's no fish up there either.

Maxwell Smart:
99, these footprints were made by a man six feet two and a half inches tall, two hundred and twenty four and a quarter pounds, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and walked with a decided limp.

Agent 99:
Now Max, that's very hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe it if I took out the limp?

Well, either it's the biggest magnet in the world or it's the biggest horseshoe in the world. And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse.

Agent 99:
[stuck in synthetic sand] Oh, we're never gonna get out of here alive, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
I know it, 99, I just wish Bannister were here.

Agent 99:
Who's Bannister?

Chief:
Control's top agent.

Agent 99:
Why do you wish he were was here, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't like him.

Chief:
[choosing a double countersign] Here's a good one. I'll say: 'The migrating birds fly low over the sea'. You say: 'Shadeless windows admit no light'. Then I'll say: 'The wingless dove protects its nest' and you'll say: 'The toothless tiger rules the restless jungle'. Have you got that?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Chief.

Chief:
All right, let's try it. The migrating birds fly low over the sea.

Maxwell Smart:
The restless jungle admits no shades.

Chief:
No Max, no, I have the restless jungle, you have the shadeless windows and the wingless doves.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I thought you had the wingless doves and I had the shadeless windows.

Chief:
No, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
But how about this for a double countersign, Chief?
You say: 'Hello Max' and I say: 'Hi, Chief' and you say...

Chief:
Smart!

It's so simple! No wonder we were never able to crack that code. That's the way it always is, it's right there under your nose and you never see it. 'Marmalade'. Of course. And for two years we've been working on 'jelly'.

Admiral Hargrade:
Well exactly how dangerous is this formula?

Maxwell Smart:
Well sir, within 24 hours, it could dry up every lake, river and stream in the United States.

Chief:
We'd be at the mercy of any country that had water.

Maxwell Smart:
Bootlegging would come back. People would start making bathtub water.

Chief, KAOS has just struck and struck hard. They've dried up Florida's two largest bodies of water: Lake Okeechobee and the swimming pool at the Fountain Blue hotel.

Chief:
KAOS knows that either one of us can lead them to Bediyoskin. Now we go back in there and let them overhear that one of us is going to him. KAOS captures the one who goes and the other follows.

Maxwell Smart:
One of us goes, one of us follows.

Chief:
Right.

Maxwell Smart:
And one of us already knows who goes and who follows.

Chief:
You go.

Maxwell Smart:
Now both of us know.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, look for me in the third act.
That's where I do my big scene. I get killed.

Chief:
I'll be looking forward to it.

Victor Polo:
Mister who?

Maxwell Smart:
Laurence Hollywood. You're probably more familiar with my father, who was one of the greatest actors the world, [louder] the world has ever known.

Victor Polo:
I don't think so, what was his name?

Maxwell Smart:
Huh?

Victor Polo:
What was his name?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, Jason Hollywood.

Victor Polo:
Never heard of him.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Well, you probably remember my mother.

Carl Shirtsinger:
What was her name?

Maxwell Smart:
Leonor O'Vine. I'm sure you're more familar with the work they did as a team.

Victor Polo:
I'm sorry, we've never heard of either one of them.

Maxwell Smart:
You've never heard of Hollywood and Vine?

Miss U.S.A.:
Mr. Smart, I'm in terrible danger, aren't I?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Tisha, but don't you worry about it, you're in good hands. You'll be protected 24 hours around the clock by a Control agent who is highly intelligent, extremely perceptive and absolutely fearless.

Miss U.S.A.:
Oh.

Maxwell Smart:
What's the matter?

Miss U.S.A.:
Well I was hoping it would be you.

Maxwell Smart:
Tisha, there's an organization of shrewd determined men who've been trying to get control of this country for a number of years. Perhaps you've heard of them?

Miss U.S.A.:
Oh, you mean the Republicans?

Chief:
No. We mean KAOS.

Miss U.S.A.:
Golly, gee! That wasn't very nice, was it?

Maxwell Smart:
No it wasn't. But I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha. In the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.

Miss U.S.A.:
Well, after all it is my third beauty contest.

Harry Hoo:
Tell me, Mr. Smart, how you think murder was committed?

Maxwell Smart:
Two possibilities. One: he was killed by a 22 caliber pistol at long range by a short man who was a stranger to him.

Harry Hoo:
Or?

Maxwell Smart:
He was killed at close range by a knife used by a woman he knew who was over six feet tall.

Harry Hoo:
Amazing...

Agent 99:
How did you know we were here?

Harry Hoo:
Called your hotel and got no answer.

Maxwell Smart:
But how did you know to look for us here in the Chinese Laundry?

Harry Hoo:
Was not looking for you. Always bring my shirts here.

Maxwell Smart:
Amazing...

Maxwell Smart:
Well, at least we know one thing, it's pretty obvious.

Agent 99:
What's that, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, the man with the scar is definitely a candle maker.

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
No, he's a pick-pocket.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. A pick-pocket who's a candlemaker on the side?
[the inspector does not answer] A pick-pocket who doesn't believe in electricity?

Maxwell Smart:
There's no doubt about it, 99, Professor Duval is our man.

Agent 99:
But how can you be so sure, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, it's really quite simple: instinct, logic and a lack of suspects.

Chief:
The most obvious place for a book is in a library.
And sometimes, the most obvious place is the safest.

Maxwell Smart:
You know, you may have something there, Chief. Agent Dunlap had the same theory. He once came into possession of a very important piece of microfilm.
You know where he hid it?

Chief:
Where?

Maxwell Smart:
Right on top of his desk in his living room. Right out there in the open where everybody could see it.

Chief:
And the microfilm was safe?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, it would have been if they hadn't stolen the desk.

Chief:
I'm sorry I'm late, but I had an automobile accident right in front of the building. That idiot smashed in the whole front end of my car.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, don't worry about it, Chief, you're not the only one who's late, Larabee isn't here either.

Chief:
Who do you think smashed in the front end of my car?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, Chief, everything went off perfectly without a hitch. We left Control, got into the armoured truck, went through a carwash three times, in case anyone was following us.

Larabee:
The truck was dirty anyway, Chief.

Maxwell Smart:
And here we are.

Larabee:
With a clean truck!

Chief:
Ok, ok, let me see it. [refering to the book they were to deliver]

Larabee:
It's parked out in front.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief! I send Larabee in to get the book and they locked the safe on him.

Chief:
Come on, Max. Let's go.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, what are you talking about? Larabee is locked in and nobody knows about it except you and me.

Chief:
Shh. Come on.

Mimsi Sage:
[very tipsy] Your cute, you know that? You're very cute.

Maxwell Smart:
Stop that, Mimsi!

Mimsi Sage:
It's your eyes, they're very sexy when you can find them.

Maxwell Smart:
There's one thing you've overlooked.

Beastmaster:
Oh?

Maxwell Smart:
You see, you can't leave us alone in this room.

Beastmaster:
And why not?

Maxwell Smart:
Because, as soon as you're gone, by the use of sheer brute strength, I shall be able to rip these chains from the wall in one minute! Would you believe it?
1 minute!

Beastmaster:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe two minutes?

Beastmaster:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about a week from Tuesday?

Maxwell Smart:
Gee, I wish there was some way we could get Fang back on active duty.

Agent 99:
So do I, I know he's bored with that desk job Control gave him.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well I don't blame him. How would you like to sit around checking evidence and then burying it?

Agent 99:
If you don't feel like cooking for yourself, why don't you go to the supermarkets and get some TV diners.

Maxwell Smart:
I did, 99, but they cancelled all my favorites.

Maxwell Smart:
[trying to explaining to 99 why there is another woman in their apartment]
When I brought Dr. Canyon home, I thought he'd be a short, fat, baldheaded little old scientist, I never dreamed for one single moment that it would turn out to be this lushious beautiful gorgeous woman that you see before you.
Maxwell Smart: I don't think I explained that too good.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, these are the wrong papers!

Agent 99:
What do you mean, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Why, these are the Gottlieb papers.

Chief:
No Max, those are the Ginsburg papers.

Maxwell Smart:
But it says right there, Gottlieb.

Chief:
Ginsberg changed his name.

Maxwell Smart:
Say, that's a beautiful trophy they gave you for winning the marathon race,
Larabee, you must be very thrilled.

Larabee:
I am, now we have a set, I have one, my wife has one.

Maxwell Smart:
You're wife is a professional marathon walker?

Larabee:
No, she's a professional wrestler.

Maxwell Smart:
Your wife is a professional wrestler?

Larabee:
You probably saw her wrestle lots of times on television and didn't know it.

Maxwell Smart:
Really?

Larabee:
Did you ever see Battling Biff Bannister? Big, tall, built like an ox, always wore a black hood over the face.

Maxwell Smart:
Your wife wrestled Battling Biff Banister?

Larabee:
My wife is Battling Biff Bannister!

Maxwell Smart:
[on shoe phone] We're being held in a two room cabin overlooking a lake

Larabee:
[on the Chief's other phone]
I know that place, I was stationed near there when I was in the army.

Chief:
[on his regular office phone] Max, where on our way. [they all hang up]

Chief:
Ok Larabee, where is it?

Chief:
Eh, six miles South of Berlin.

Chief:
I have a surprise for you. [hands Max a note that says 'Mike hidden']

Maxwell Smart:
You're kidding! That's unbelievable! I haven't seen him in years, Mike Hiddeman.

Just a minute, not so fast. This may be the old bomb in the bonbon box trick.

Maxwell Smart:
Dietrich, will you get that shaving cream off your face?

Dietrich:
Well why?

Maxwell Smart:
Why? Because if KAOS happens to be looking through that window, and they see that shaving cream all over your face, they're gonna know you're not Mrs. Feldman.

Dietrich:
You're right.

Maxwell Smart:
Besides, Mrs. Feldman uses an electric razor.

Larabee:
How about that, one crutch is shorter than the other.

Maxwell Smart:
You're telling me. When I walk, I limp. With a limp!

Chief:
If KAOS gets their hands on any more of those blueprints, Max, they'll have the capability of polluting the air over every major city in the United States.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I don't wanna worry you, Chief, but I think they already have that.

Maxwell Smart:
99, I've been watching that window all day through my binoculars and I'm telling you that there was a little short guy in there with Greer and Miss Parker.

Agent Agent 99:
Well maybe you were looking in the wrong window?

Maxwell Smart:
With Miss Parker in there, are you kidding?

Maxwell Smart:
Are you kidding? There's a man that's been murdered lying there on the pinball machine, and you want people to come in here and dance and drink and carry on?

Bartender:
Why not? They do it every night.

Maxwell Smart:
You mean there's a killing here every night?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, not every night. We're closed Mondays. But we have two on Saturday.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't understand how this airline can stay in business when they only carry one passenger.

Stewardess:
We don't show movies.

Jason Van Hooten:
Did you call her '99'?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes I did.

Jason Van Hooten:
May I ask why?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know her name.

Maxwell Smart:
You mean to tell me that all those names you've been giving me for the last hour are names of babies?

Agent 99:
But of course.

Maxwell Smart:
But I thought they were names of streets, I made a map out of them.

Agent 99:
[laughs] How silly.

Maxwell Smart:
Well it may be silly, but it works. According to this map, I can get you to the hospital in less than ten minutes flat!

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has climbed up through a trap door in a closet]
99, you wouldn't believe what they've got up here on the second floor.

Agent 99:
What is it?

Maxwell Smart:
A second floor closet.

Agent 99:
Don't tell me it has a self-locking door?

Maxwell Smart:
It has a self-locking door.

Agent 99:
[mimicking Max] I asked you not to tell me that.

Maxwell Smart:
I demand the cone of silence.

Chief:
Max, do we have to?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, with vital information like this, of course we have to, Chief.

Chief:
Okay, you win, Max.
[speaking into intercom] Hodgkins, lower the cone of silence.
[the cone of silence is lowered over the Chief and Max] Now what did you find out?

Maxwell Smart:
Nothing.

Chief: |
[pushes button, angrily] Hodgkins, raise the cone of silence.

Agent 99:
[a pregnant 99] Don't you touch me!

Maxwell Smart:
What's the matter?

Agent 99:
You know perfectly well what's the matter.
You don't love me any more because I'm fat and unattractive.

Maxwell Smart:
That is ridiculous, 99, just because you're fat and unattractive doesn't mean that I stopped loving you.

Chief:
The moment she tries to kill him [Max], we'll have her for attempted murder.

Agent 99:
But what if she kills him before you get there to stop her?

Chief:
Then we'll have her for murder.

Maxwell Smart:
That's even better, 99, it's tough to beat a murder rap!

Maxwell Smart:
[talking on his shoephone] Right, Chief. I'll with stick with him. Off and on.

Chief:
[in his office, on the other line] Don't you mean over and out?

Maxwell Smart:
No, when I sign off, I put my shoe on.

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at a picture of Octavia] Chief, I've never seen anyone like this before. Those evil, penetrating eyes. Cold, ruthless mouth. Deviant chin.
 [looks at the next picture] Strong unyealding body. Chief?

Chief:
What?

Maxwell Smart:
I think I'm in love.

Maxwell Smart:
Ok Chief, you can count on me. I'll be up first thing in the morning and I'll check out every topless retaurant in town.

Chief:
Max, KAOS wouldn't hide guns in a topless restaurant.

Maxwell Smart:
They wouldn't?

Chief:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Well where would they store them?

Chief:
I don't know.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well in that case, I'll check the topless restaurants.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't understand, Chief, what kind of an ape could be intelligent enough to put a banana in the mail?

Larabee:
Probably one that worked in the post office.

That's right, Armstrong: the old fake fingertips on the fire escape trick.

Agent 99:
Max, Hannibal Day wrote the script.

Maxwell Smart:
He did? I just read it, it's terrible.

Agent 99:
Max, he's a murderer!

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Well I knew he wasn't a writer.

Maxwell Smart:
But 99, I never get to see you anymore. You're always outta town. On my birthday, New Years Eve, on our anniversary, you went to Norway to give an award to some figure skater.

Agent 99:
I asked you to come along.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, come on, 99, you know there's a price on my head in Norway.
[leans on chair with wheels, falls over and gets up again]
Or was that Pittsburgh? I gotta get that right before I go on vacation.

Maxwell Smart:
Come on, 99, the boy is ready for action.

Zach Smart:
Like a thirsty zebra!

Agent 99:
Zach, do you realize what you'd be getting in to? Living everyday under cover, your life in constant danger, suffering painful torture at the hands of vicious, ruthless people...

Zach Smart and Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it

Maxwell Smart:
You eat danger for breakfast?

Zach Smart:
Would you believe lunch?

Maxwell Smart:
Don't do that.

Maxwell Smart:
[Trudy runs in, notepad in hand] Oh, Trudy, I want you to make sure that the bomb-sniffing dogs have swept the embassy before the reception tonight.

Agent 99:
Then clear the kitchen entrance for the arrival of President Mazabuka's limousine.

Maxwell Smart:
And make sure that the catering people are checked for security.

Agent 99:
And have a helicopter standing by ready for any emergency that might arise.

Maxwell Smart:
Have you got that, Trudy?

Trudy:
Of course I do. Make sure President Mazabuka has swept the kitchen, have the catering people sniff the dogs in the embassy and drive the limousine into the helicopter. Oh, and something about a bomb.

Maxwell Smart:
[holds up his hands] Missed it by... [widens gap between hands]... that much.

Maxwell Smart:
Who could be controlling her mind?

Zach Smart:
The Brain.

Maxwell Smart:
That's a given, son.

Zach Smart:
No, the KAOS scientist 'the Brain'.

Maxwell Smart:
Ah, the Brain, of course, we should should try and steal him.
Just think what we could do if we only had a Brain.

Agent 66:
Bad news, Chief. We intercepted a transmission and KAOS just contacted a well known assasin: the Turtle.

Zach Smart:
The Turtle?

Maxwell Smart:
Ah, yes. The Turtle!

Zach Smart:
You've heard of him?

Maxwell Smart:
Of course. Vicious, cold blooded. No wait a minute, that was the Poodle. Run over about four years ago chasing a car.

Agent 66:
He's called the Turtle because he's very illusive. He only comes out to kill.

Zach Smart:
How do you know so much about him?

Agent 66:
I dated his brother Leo.

Siegfried:
Tonight, to exact my revenge, I have a nuclear missile aimed directly at one of your major cities.

Maxwell Smart:
Which one?

Siegfried:
The city that contains your greatest minds and most brilliant thinkers.

Maxwell Smart:
Hm. Well, at least Washington is safe.

Maxwell Smart:
Give it up, Siegfried, you'll never get away with this.

Siegfried:
Why not?

Maxwell Smart:
Because at this very moment there are 200 naval...

Siegfried:
[interrupting] destroyers are headed this way. I know. Then I say I don't believe it, then you say something else again, then I say I don't believe it again and were right back to where we started.

Maxwell Smart:
And I thought my wife knew me.

Contributing writers to Get Smart included:

Mel Brooks, Buck Henry, Arne Sultan, Chris Hayward, Leonard Stern, Mike Marmer, Stan Burns, Dee Caruso, Gerald Gardner, Gordon Mitchell, Lloyd Turner, Allan Burns, Gary Clarke, William Raynor, Myles Wilder, Phil Hahn, Jack Hanrahan, Norman Paul, Pat McCormick, Carol Cavella, Joseph Cavella, Budd Grossman, Gloria Burton, Ron Friedman, Marvin Worth, Lila Garrett, Bernie Kahn, Phil Leslie, Sam Bobrick, Bill Idelson, Don Adams, Burt Nodella, Bob DeVinney, Earl Barret, Gary Belkin, Robert C. Dennis, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, Ronny Pearlman, Ronald Axe, Stan Dreben, Howard Merrill, Martin Ragaway, Arnie Rosen, Sydney Zelinka, Art Baer, Barry E. Blitzer, Ray Brenner, Keith Fowler, Ben Joelsonk David Ketchumk, Nate Monaster, Jess Oppenheimer, Elroy Schwartz, Bruce Shelly, Frank Red Benson, James Komack, Les Colodny, Ed Haas, Dale McRaven, Rick Mittleman

 








 

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