Why, that's the story of my life - no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I joined gamblers anonymous, they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled RAPE! They yelled NO!

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

Oh I tell ya, with sex, my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Once in the morning and once at night.

I know I’m ugly. I tell my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, Hey! Take me to where the action is! So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I got no sex life. At my age, I need a designated lover.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

When I was a kid, we were poor. We were so poor the rainbow was in black and white.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

My kid he drives me nuts. For three years now he goes to a private school. He won’t tell me where it is.

In high school, I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

What a doctor I got. I saw him, I told him, Doc, I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I made love to an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

My trouble is my sex life is on hold and I got no one to hold it!

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

I was crossing the street; I was hit by the Bookmobile. I was lying there in pain, moaning, and the guy went, Shhhhh.

When I was a kid, my whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They called him four eyes. Later on he got glasses. Now they call him eight eyes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

When I was a kid, my parents went shopping. They always took me with them, ya know. That way they could park in the handicap section.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.

I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.

I went to my doctor and told him, Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do? He said, Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog. He said, how long has this been going on? I told him, since I was a puppy. Then he told me to lay on the couch, facedown.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.

Well I have no sex life. A dog can watch me in the bedroom to learn how to beg. He taught my wife to roll over and play dead.

Oh with my wife, I don’t get no respect. Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, what, you can't think of anybody either?

I tell ya, my wife and I, we got problems. I want to see a marriage counselor and she wants to go on the Jerry Springer show.

By the way, I tried to get on the Jerry Springer show. Yeah, they turned me down; I got all my teeth.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I tell ya, when I was a kid, my old man never liked me. He took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.

Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

Every time my wife takes the car, there’s trouble. The other day, she came home, there were 100 dents in the car. She told me she took a short-cut through a golfing range.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

When I was a kid, I had no friends. I remember the sea-saw. I had to keep running from one end to the other.

I took my son to Coney island, I said wanna go in the crazy house?, he said save your money we'll be home soon!

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife is never nice. She won a trip for two to Las Vegas. She went twice.

When my wife was pregnant, I told her, I said honey, if it looks like you it’ll be beautiful. She said, if it looks like you, it’ll be a miracle.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I tell ya, I’m in bad shape. I joined a weight lifting class. They started me with balloons. Very bad shape. I hurt myself playing Simon Says.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My wife told me, she was going to run away from home. Luckily, I live on a cliff.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

People have too much hate in them. I hear these guys talk, they hate their mother-in-law; they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law. It’s her daughter I can’t stand.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Oh she was a wild girl. But her idea of safe sex is making sure the car doors are all locked.

I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on a roller coaster, my old man, he told me to stand up straight.

You know, the doctors say when you have sex, you lose 150 calories. I had sex once. I lost 150 calories, my watch and my wallet.

Oh, I’m getting old. A girl asked me if I wanted to have some super sex. I took the soup.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife has a temper. The other night she was yelling, you’re an animal, you’re an animal. So I took a leak in the living room and I told her, from now on, that’s my territory.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

I did a show. The whole audience was gay. I did great. I mean, after the show.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

The other night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is she was coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I tell ya my old man was strict. He said, No drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst.

I tell ya, my old man, he never liked me. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My psychiatrist, he’s a beauty. He told me I’ve got a split personality and from now on, I have to pay him twice.

My wife, she’s happy I’ve got a split personality. She likes two guys at once.

I tell ya, nothing works out. I bought a book, ‘100 Ways To Make Love’. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer. There was a worm in it!

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, I keep thinking about suicide. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

My wife, how could I trust her? My kid was born; 4 guys gave me cigars.

Oh I’m a bad drinker. I got loaded one night, the next day I ended up in front of a judge. He told me, You’re here for drinking. I said, Ok your honor, let’s get started.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I bought a waterbed. I went to grab my wife; she had drifted away.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog. He told me to get off his couch.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

Oh I tell ya, she was old. Well when she was born, the Dead Sea wasn’t even sick.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

When I was a kid, I was ugly. My mother breastfed me through a straw.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

The first time I hitchhiked, I got beat up. Yeah, I used the wrong finger.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard!

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I tell ya with girls, I don’t get no respect. I had a date with a girl, I waited two hours at the corner. A girl showed up. I said, Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

What a childhood I had. When I was 10 years old, I found out Alpo was dog food.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.

I worked a nightclub. The boss told me he’d pay me under the table. I waited there for 2 hours; he never showed up.

My wife and I, are you kidding? Our relationship is on and off. Every time I get on, she tells me to get off.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I tell ya, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl. It took me 2 years; I taught her how to speak English. Her first words were, I’m leaving you.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, I don't know, no one has ever made it.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were

When I was a kid, we were poor. We were so poor when my father died, they asked my mother, Plastic or paper?

Oh when I say I’m lonely, I’m very lonely. Well the other day in traffic, this guy gave me the finger, and I enjoyed it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

The other night, I told my wife, I hurt my little pinky. She said that’s all right, we’re not gonna have sex anyway.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I tell ya, yesterday, that was a beauty. I found a guy’s wallet. Inside was a picture of my two kids.

I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife? He said everybody.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

My wife, she keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.

My wife told me to go to hell. I told her, you’re too late, I’m there already.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

My doctor told me not to make any quick moves and my wife told me not to make any moves.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I took a survey: Why men get up in the middle of the night. 10% get up to go to the bathroom. And 90% get up to go home.

They took a survey. They had 1,000 prisoners. They all said to them, For your last meal, what would you like to have? 25% said steak. 24% said lobster. And 50% said Jennifer Lopez.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I live in a bad neighborhood. I saw two guys share a taxi. One guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I was making love to a girl. I told her, you’re so flat chested. She said, get off my back.

I remember I told my wife, will you marry me? She said, if you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do this.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names. Yeah, her and her mother’s.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

When I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I’d go to a drive in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.

When I was a kid, we were poor. My teeth were all yellow and I mean yellow. When I smiled, I would stop traffic.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, No, one drag is enough.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I loaned a guy $10,000 to have plastic surgery. Now I can’t find the guy. I don’t know what he looks like!

I told my wife she was lousy in bed. She went out to get a second opinion.

My wife told me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I’m getting old. I’ve got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

When I was a kid, we were poor. We used to sleep six in one bed. I didn’t know what it was like to sleep alone until I got married.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What'll you have? I said, Surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I think a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, 4 o’clock in the morning drunk, I’d never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.

What a childhood I had. When I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vinnie Boombatz. I told him once, Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I went back to my hometown, to visit all my ex-schoolteachers. All I had to make was one stop - the cemetery.

My doctor told me he’ll have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I told my wife, how come when we kiss, your eyes are always open? She told me she was on the lookout for her boyfriend.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, Did you see the guy that did it? She said, No, but I got the license plate.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, On your mark...

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I asked my wife last night, Were you faking it? She said, No, I was really sleeping.

Last night I had a dream. I took a walk down memory lane. And my wife was working it.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I tell ya, my wife and I, we have our own arrangement. Once a week, I go out with the boys and once a week she goes out with the boys.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Well I’m getting old. I’ve got no sex life. If I squeeze into a parking space, I’m sexually satisfied.

When I have sex with my wife, I always have a mirror in the room. Yeah, I put it under her nose to see if she’s breathing.

A girl phoned me the other day and said&ldots; Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Well I don’t get respect from anyone. I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I’m not a sexy guy. My wedding night, my wife said, this is it! I told her, Honey, that was it.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Marriage&ldots; it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife, she loves vacations. Last night she told me, I wanna go someplace I’ve never been before. I took her to a men’s room.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur.

A lot of girls turn me down, you know? One girl turned me down. She told me she had to go to work in the morning. I told her I’d be finished by then.

I like Southern girls; they talk so slow. By the time they say no, I made it already.

A lot of girls turn me down, you know? One girl turned me down. She told me she had to go to work in the morning. I told her I’d be finished by then.

At 20 a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

One thing about football that don’t make sense, the two-minute warning. Everyone knows you got two minutes to play, what’s the big deal? To me, a two-minute warning is like you’re in bed with a chick; the phone rings. It’s her husband on his car phone. He says, Honey, I’ll be home in two minutes. That’s a two-minute warning.

Today they got girls telling you from the sidelines, telling you all about football; right, wrong, mistakes. I don’t like a girl reporting to me about football. I don’t like a girl telling me I’m two inches short.

Just remember, it’s lonely at the top, when there’s no one on the bottom.

I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I have three kids, one of each.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Oh when I was a kid, I got no respect. I played hide and seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, 'How can I get my kite in the air?' He told me to run off a cliff.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.'

I tell ya with my old man, I never got respect. He told me, Never take candy from strangers, unless he offered me a ride.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

At my age, I want to get sex over quickly. Then I can take my nap.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

When we got married, my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

From my wife, I don’t get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

I tell ya with girls, I never have any luck. A belly-dancer told me I turned her stomach.

I tell ya when I was a kid, I got no respect. My old man took me to a freak show. They said, Get the kid out, he’s distracting from the show.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I was such an ugly kid... when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother I’m going to run away from home. She said, On your mark...

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

Last night I came home, I picked up the extension. My wife was talking to some guy on the phone. I told the guy, Don’t let her fool you. She’ll fake it!

Last night my wife told me people are looking in our bathroom; I gotta buy shades. I said, look, let’s let them keep looking all right; they’ll buy the shades.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I tell you, sex with my wife is ridiculous. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale’s.

I said to a girl, come on honey, I’ll show you where it’s at. She said, you better. The last one couldn’t find it.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

Just remember, a crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. In case I have to prove something.

I never had any luck with a nude beach. I went to a nude beach; they kicked me out. They said it’s impolite to point.

Well that was a wild beach. The day I was there they had a wedding. A wedding on a nude beach; everyone knew who the best man was, you know?

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. Yeah, I leave.

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, All kids smell that way.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife's a great driver; she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

I can’t lose any weight. I tried jogging; I keep running into restaurants.

I told my landlord I wanted to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised my rent.

When I was born, I got no respect. The doctor told my mother, I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.

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