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MONTGOMERY "SCOTTY" SCOTT QUOTES

Ship's Log, Stardate 5710.5, Lieutenant Commander Scott reporting. While exploring an outer quadrant of the galaxy, the Enterprise received distress calls from an apparently uninhabited, incredibly beautiful city on the planet of Scalos. Captain Kirk and a landing party have beamed down to investigate.

I can't change the laws of physics!

Have ya gone daft?

That's... problematical, sir.

Captain, can you read me? I was beaming up Mr. Seven and something yanked him away from me.

I don' know how much longer I can hold 'er t'gether.

Freeze right there, Mr Spock, or I'll put you to sleep for sure.

Laddy, don't you think you should... rephrase that?

Heaven's got very little to do with this.

You got nothing. You mind your place, or you'll be wearin' concrete galoshes.

Somebody turn of this infernal food factory!

I'm givin' it all she's got, Captain! If I push it any farther, the whole thing'll blow!

You bloody big scatterbrain! Make up your monumental mind!

We've lost a great deal of fuel. We have no chance at all to reach escape velocity. And if we ever hope to make orbit, we'll have to lighten our load by at least 500 pounds.

Mode of power? Beats me what makes it go.

This is Lt. Commander Scott, Chief Engineering officer of the USS Enterprise. Destruct sequence number 3: code 1-B-2-B-3.

If we only had a phaser.

When it entered impulse engine number two's vent, it attacked two crewmen then got into the ventilating system, and now we have air for only two hours.

Aye, o' course I mean that. D'ya think I'd call ya if they just beamed down?

One lithium crystal left and that with a hairline split at the base.

And don't ask for any more warp 9 speeds, Mr. Spock. Our star drive is completely burned out. The only thing we have left is impulse power.

But it's frustrating. Almost a million gross tons of vessel depending on a hunk a' crystal the size of my fist.

Oh, the equipment's guaranteed, but I have my doubts about the stuff inside.

That's not likely. The planet's atmosphere will give them ample protection. And if I know Captain Kirk, he'll be more worried about us than we are about him.

He's turned the engines off. They're completely cold. It'll take 30 minutes to regenerate them.

Aye, that tears it. The Loch Ness monster couldn't get through that.

It's a shame for a good Scotsman to admit it, but I'm not up on Milton.

A few seconds after they sent this one up through the transporter, that duplicate appeared. Except it's not a duplicate. It's an opposite. Two of the same animal, but different. One gentle: this. One mean and fierce: that. Some kind of savage, ferocious opposite. Captain, we don't dare send Mr. Sulu and the landing party up. If this should happen to a man...

We can't make transporter contact, sir. The entire system's inhibited. The way it is now, we couldn't beam up a fly.

Oh, well, any decent brand o' Scotch'll do that.

I could never be proud of puttin' wee beasties in cages.

They're in trouble, and I am under orders not to interfere. However, no order can stop me from frightening them. It may do no good, but it may suggest to someone just what a starship can really do.

What manner of beastie is that?

Just before they went into warp, I beamed the whole kit and kaboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.

Aye.

It's ... green.

Diplomats! The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaserbank.

Up your shaft!

He's in a wee bit of a snit, isn't he?

There's nothing wrong with the bloody thing!

Eight weeks, sir. But ye don't have eight weeks, so I'll do it for ye in two.

I just fixed that damn thing! Turn it off, will you?

There's nothing amazing about it. I know this ship like the back of my hand.
[Scotty walks into low-hanging beam, knocks himself out cold.]

Why? How do we know he didn't invent the thing?

The Excelsior? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?

Don't you worry, Captain. We'll beat those Klingon devils, even if I have to get out and push.

[Speaking into the mouse] Hello computer!

A keyboard. How quaint.

That suits me. I just bought a boat.

Aye. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.

All systems automated and ready. A chimpanzee and two trainees could run her.

Aye, sir. The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.

N... C... C... 1... 7... 0... 1. No bloody A, B, C or D!

I may be a captain by rank, but I never wanted to be anything else but an engineer.

Ah, it's like the first time you fall in love. You don't ever love a woman quite like that again. Well, to the Enterprise, and the Stargazer - old girlfriends we'll never meet again.

There comes a time when a man finds that he can't fall in love again. He knows that it's time to stop. I don't belong on your ship. I belong on this one. This was my home. This is where I had a purpose... But it's not real. It's just a computer-generated fantasy. And I'm just an old man who's trying to hide in it.

Aye, sir. And maybe a wee bit more. I'll sit on the warp engines myself and nurse them.

We can try like blue blazes. Scott out.

Those few seconds will not make any difference, Mr. Spock, because you and I and the rest of the crew will no longer be here to bandy it back and forth. This thing is going to blow up, and there's nothing in the universe can stop it.

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Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge:
Look, Mr. Scott, I'd love to explain everything to you, but the Captain wants this spectrographic analysis done by 1300 hours.

 [La Forge goes back to work; Scotty follows slowly]

Scotty:
Do you mind a little advice? Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want.

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge:
Yeah, well, I told the Captain I'd have this analysis done in an hour.

Scotty:
How long will it really take?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge:
An hour!

Scotty:
Oh, you didn't tell him how long it would really take, did ya?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge:
Well, of course I did.

Scotty:
Oh, laddie. You've got a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.

So, the Enterprise has had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady. I'd like to get my hands on her "ample nacelles," if you pardon the engineering parlance.

I like this ship! You know, it's exciting!

I've never beamed three people from two targets onto one pad before!

Okay, I'm sure you're just doing your job, but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I've been here, living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good meal! And I know exactly what's going on here, okay? Punishment, isn't it? Ongoing! For something that was clearly an accident!

Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to hide a starship on the bottom of the ocean?

Except, the thing is, even if I believed you, right, where you're from, what I've done - which I don't, by the way - you're still talking about beaming aboard the Enterprise while she's traveling faster than light, without a proper receiving pad. The notion of transwarp beaming is like trying to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse.

Imagine that! It never occurred to me to think of SPACE as the thing that was moving!

Spock Prime:
You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming?

Scotty:
That's what I'm talking about! How do you think I wound up here? Had a little debate with my instructor on relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a... like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it with a life form. So, I tested it out on Admiral Archer's prized beagle.

James T. Kirk:
Wait, I know that dog. What happened to it?

Scotty:
I'll tell you when it reappears. [Ahem] I don't know, I do feel guilty about that.

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