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This just in... go to Hell!

... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight... a certain type of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Sonny Storm.

Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At three p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to 'alive'.

Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect, calling themselves The Movementarians. In exchange for your home and all your belongings, the Leader of this way out... and wrong religion, the Leader claims he'll take believeres to the planet, Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh. [laughs] But... [pauses] Ladies and gentlemen, I just learned of a new change in management. Welcome, Movementarians. I love you, perfect Leader... and new CEO of KBBL Broadcasting.

Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay...

Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.

The results are in: for Sideshow Bob, one hundred percent; and for Joe Quimby, one percent. And we remind you there is a one percent margin of error.

Tonight a city weeps, as, for the first time ever, a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap.

One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.

Now, It's illegal to broadcast court proceedings in this state, so we'll have to be quiet.

This is Kent Brockman with a special live report from the headquarters of Krusty opponent John Armstrong. How can I prove we’re live? Penis!

Top o' the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O' Brockman live on Main Street, where today, eveyone is a little bit Irish! Eh-heh, everyone except, of course, for the gays and Italians.

All this drinking, violence, destruction of property... are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy just doesn't work.

"What are you lookin' at?" - the innocent words of a drunken child.

Good morning everybody, panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's just part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage?

Kent Brockman:
Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

Professor Frink:
Yes I would, Kent.


Down here at Springfield Mall, a storm-addled crowd seems to have turned its rage on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.

And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.

The alien has appeared in the Springfield Forest for the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 News Team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. [boom mike hits Kent] Very unprofessional, Bill.

Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [The cape says "DRACULA."] Police are baffled.

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of 'Smartline'. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say 'No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?' But one woman says 'yes'... Marge Simpson.

We've come up with a camera so small, it fits into this oversize novelty hat.

A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation. Now here is how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame squarely on you, the viewers!

Recapping our day's top story: the winner of today's state lottery is me: Kent Brockman. Can we get a shot of me?... there you go. In other news Uhh, tragic mix-up today in Cleveland... many people killed... Uhh... goodbye!

Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over- 'conquered' if you will- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthman or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Well it looks like we have our first caller...and I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show. Hello, you're on the air.

At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [pause, pounds desk] It's in "Revelations", people.

The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

A new mood is in the air in Springfield, a refreshing as a premoistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings, and really communicating with no holding back, and this reporter thinks it's about f---ing time.

Kent Brockman:
When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic?

Professor Frink:
Yes I would, Kent.

Kent Brockman:
We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.

How do you come up with such witty remarks?

Guy in the van [talking through an ear plug in Kent's ear] :
I guess you could say its my racket.

Kent Brockman:
I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.

Get off my property.

Kent Brockman:
Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.

[hic] Kill me. [hic] Kill me!

If you believe in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns?

Kent Brockman:
Oh Lisa everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.

Now, this technology is new to me, but... I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees -- he's literally stewing in his own juices.

This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and this is very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? ... Uh huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. ...Aright, I could use some names. I. P. Freeley?

This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on.

Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night! [Music starts playing and credits roll] Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night, or you can turn to another channel... Oh! Do not turn to another channel.

Well, this reporter was... possibly a little hasty earlier, would like to... reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. May not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now... Oh, yes, by the way, the spacecraft still in extreme danger, may not make it back, attempting risky reentry, bla bla bla bla. We'll see you after the movie.

Yes, I'm back. Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would leave a $500,000 a year job just because he won a lottery. Hey, I'm a journalist.


...which, if true, means death
for us all.


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