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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Humor is reason gone mad.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.
If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.
I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out.
A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down,
I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you.
He really is an idiot.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.
I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Well, art is art, isn't it?
Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Time wounds all heels.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints.
They’re upstairs in my socks.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Room service?
Send up a larger room.

Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on.
And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you don't see you're interested in, and this is true.

A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?

That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.

You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?


No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there.
Once you get there; you're on your own.

I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8:00 to educate America.
They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him.
If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything.
That's why she's in love with me.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Was that you or the duck?

Your Excellency, haven't we seen each other somewhere before?

Groucho (Firefly):
I don't think so; I'm not sure I'm seeing you now, it must be something I ate.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!

Any place I hang my head is home.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going.
I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Boogey boogey boogey.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
(Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract -
Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

Here's the book, it's a dollar.

Here's a ten, and shoot the change.

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

All people are born alike... except Republicans and Democrats.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?

This is not a book that should be set aside lightly -
it should be flung with great force.”

Laugh and the world laughs with you,
cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra,
there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Hail, hail Freedonia,
land of the free!

Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report!
Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I could dance with you till the cows come home.
Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket,
now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike.
Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.

We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.

A very interesting theory that makes no sense at all.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent,
as written in our contract.

Once I put it down I couldn't pick it back up.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

I only write first editions.

Groucho (Detective Sam Grunion):
Come in. Is there anything I can do for you? What a ridiculous statement.

Marilyn Monroe (Grunion's Client):
Mr. Grunion. I want you to help me.

I have a little sand left. What seems to be the trouble?

Marilyn Monroe:
Some men are following me.

Really? I can't understand why.

According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is beautiful and that she has red hair. I don't know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair. Red hair makes a man want to recover his health quickly, so that he can get on his feet and get the nurse off hers.

In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart's beat, and if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your partner is cheating, or your wife.

Whatever it is, I’m against it.

Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won’t cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.

That's three quotes? Add another quote and make it a gallon.

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